Please don't be sad...I am actually relieved about all of this...I have been preparing myself for all of this, and I take the news with a positive attitude. REMEMBER: My situation is MY situation...every body is different, so don't loose hope for a pregnancy through natural conception. However, please seek testing to determine tubal patency before attempting to conceive!

The (basically) good news is that the cyst is gone. This is good news, because I will need working ovaries for IVF. During the u/s, my doctor noticed some large "black" areas around my ovaries and fallopian tube. These appear to be adhesions (from my surgery with Tucker), and there is evidence of hydrosalphinx (back up of fluid) in my remaining tube. I have to do some more research, but I believe that hydrosalphinx can be caused by blockages in the tube...it can also just basically shove the egg back into the abdomen, where if fertilized AT ALL, can result in another ectopic.

I will be scheduling a laporoscopy/surgery to (a) have the adhesions removed (they may form again, but won't cause a problem with IVF), and/or (b) check and remove blockages in the tube, and/or (c) have the fallopian tube removed. This may sound harsh, but I am going to go ahead and have the tube removed or disconnected from the uterus. LET ME EXPLAIN...

The fallopian tube is a very delicate organ...damage to it is usually irreversible, and with the surgery that I have had, the damage could be immense. Surgeries done directly to the tube (outside or inside) are not always successful, and it can up to 2 years to determine if the surgery was successful. They determine this success by accomplishing pregnancy. Then, they would have to do surgery again or try IVF. Surgery on the fallopian tube also increases my risks for another ectopic. I think that the damage to this tube is probably as bad or worse (with the post-surgical adhesions) that the tube that trapped my little Tucker! So, my odds for another ectopic are already very high!

My rationalization is this...if there will ever be a time when I must undergo IVF to have a child, the best time is now. While I am young, and while my health is reasonably good. I am NOT choosing to be sterilized...I hope that you all understand this. I AM choosing to take the safest route to becoming a Mommy again! I just could never again let someone go into my body and take my child out. Loosing Tucker has made me a better person...but I am just fine now, and don't feel the need to improve any more! (that is me trying to instill some humor in this)

I will probably have the surgery in a couple of weeks, and then maybe 1-2 months after that, will begin the IVF procedures. You just don't know how thankful I am for your support-this site is my lifeline some days, and I DON'T KNOW HOW I WOULD GET THROUGH THIS WITHOUT THE COMPASSION AND CONCERN SO MANY OF YOU HAVE SHOWN ME!

When I do get pregnant, there are other possible complications...I am considered high-risk for incompetent cervix, and so I will be sure to find an OB who will take all measures possible to bring a healthy child into this world!

All of this makes me angry...at the people who have children, and treat them badly, and to the people who can get pregnant, and don't realize how lucky they are. I know in my heart that I will get pregnant, and will give birth to a child, but in the mean time-I have to worry if the procedure will work, and if it does, then I have to worry about IC.

My surgery will on August 4, 1999. The left fallopian tube will be removed (salpingectomy) and the adhesions in my pelvis (resulting from the surgery on March 28, 1999) will also be removed.

The surgery will be done on Day 9 of my next cycle, and hopefully I will still ovulate on Day 14 (yes-I DO ovulate on Day 14). If I ovulate, I will begin Lupron injections on Day 21 of that cycle. The Lupron injections continue for about 10 days, and then I start the other injectibles (don't know exactly which ones as of now). These injectibles continue until the eggs are ready to be fertilized. So, if there are no complications from the surgery, and my cycle continues as normal, we are looking at a conception date of around September 6, 1999 (estimated date).

I have been having some serious doubts about having the left fallopian tube removed, so I sent the following e-mail to my R.E.:

I have been giving the salpingectomy a lot of thought lately, and after speaking with my Mother today, would like to make a request.

Am I correct in thinking that the removal of adhesions is necessary (due to the discomfort that I am feeling and the possibility of further damage as they grow)? I am confident that the adhesions should be removed. Am I also correct in thinking that the salpingectomy is elective? I am not entirely comfortable with the salpingectomy. I am sure that you understand this. Once the tube has been removed, it is gone forever. While the tube may be nonfunctioning regarding natural conception, there may one day be a great advance in the treatment of a damaged tube. If I had two tubes, and one had hydrosalpinx and therefore needed to be removed for a more successful IVF, then my fears would not be as great. However, after another salpingectomy, I would be physically infertile.

If you agree, I do not wish to have the salpingectomy (at this time), and instead attempt to remove what is causing the hydrosalpinx. I understand that falloscopy will be necessary, and would like to know if a falloscopy can be performed on the same day as the lap/removal of adhesions?

If so, we will continue with our goal of IVF. If the tube presents further problems at a later date, then the removal of tube will need to be explored further.

I understand the sometimes low success rate of tubal surgery, and also the incidence of ectopic pregnancy when IVF is done and a damaged fallopian tube is present. I also understand that tubal surgery is not covered under my insurance plan, as they deem any "enhancement of fertility" non-covered expense. We are prepared to incur the expenses of falloscopy/removal of whatever is causing the hydrosalpinx, and for the first cycle of IVF.

I made this decision after much consideration. This is an extremely personal and emotional decision, and it has been made based solely on my feelings (since I am the one undergoing the procedures).

If you agree with my request, could you please instruct me as to what steps I should take to set the procedures up?

Thank you for your time.

My doubts have nothing to do with the faith that I have in my R.E. Everything that I have read confirms his opinions. The decision to have the salpingectomy is one of complete finality, and I hope that my current decision is understood. Hopefully, the IVF cycle will continued as planned.

Well, how quickly things can change. Since I wrote the above letter, I have discovered three things. Two of them are very important. First, my RE does not perform falloscopy (due to his own justified reasons). Secondly, an HSG could be performed before the surgery to rule out any blockage and if no blockage is observed, no surgery is needed, because 3) adhesions do not pose any immediate threat to my health or to the process of IVF.

Well, I again wrote to my RE, and inquired about having an HSG in the days before my laporoscopy, and he basically said, "No." We had previously discussed doing a dye test right before the laporoscopy (after I am asleep), but that does me no good! I still go into surgery having no idea if I will come out with a tube or not! With an HSG being performed in the days before the laporoscopy, I would have a better idea of what would happen during the surgery. He just didn't seem to get that this was for my emotional well-being, and not for his medical knowledge! He also told me that he doesn't think that we should go directly into IVF, and he said, "for reasons that I have already outlined." To the best of my knowledge, he has never come right out and said that we could not proceed to IVF. In fact, I sent him an "Action Plan" several weeks ago, which outlined having the pre-IVF cycle being the same cycle as my surgery. We added that complications from surgery may halt the IVF process, but at least we would have already had bloodwork. etc. done. I am now thinking that he didn't even read the document, which upsets me so. I truly think that he is a wonderful physician, but if he won't take me seriously or consider the things that I have researched, I can't stay with him. This is a very emotional, serious, final matter that a patient needs to be very involved in. Just by reading the above updates and seeing where I am now, should prove that a patient can learn a lot on her own, and her feelings about one thing can change when she does!

I had already scheduled a second-opinion appointment after receiving my RE's reply to the above e-mail. Today was the appointment. The new RE was very nice, and seemed sincerely interested in what I had to say! We talked for over an hour. Just talked-about my past medical history, what I was feeling now, and what Todd and I wanted for the future. He seemed genuinely impressed that I knew so much about my body and the procedures that I have had and want to have. I made it very clear that I wanted to be involved in every step of the way...learning, making the choices that are best for me, and asking questions. He seemed to really understand!

SO...I will be cancelling my pre-op appointment and my scheduled surgery date. I am supposed to begin my next cycle on Tuesday or Wednesday, so on Day 2 or 3 of this cycle, I will be going in for my bloodwork. Several days later, an HSG will be performed.

If the HSG shows no tubal blockage, then I will begin Lupron injections on Day 21. Now, I do understand the ectopic rate to be 2% when IVF and a damaged tube (node damage) tube is. I want to stress that my want of keeping the tube is completely emotional. I rationalize that a failed IVF attempt could be better handled, knowing that I still have tube and that medical miracles happen every day!

If the HSG does show a blockage, then a lap will be scheduled as soon as possible to determine the problem, and to possibly remove any adhesions or the tube (if badly blocked or damaged). Even if I do still have to have the lap, at least I will be better prepared for the outcome!

Once again, my choices are made with my medical history and present in mind. If my new RE had not confirmed my opinions, I would still be having a lap next week. Your choices should always reflect your medical needs and wants. Make sure that your physicians listen and understand them.

My HSG was done today. First, the catheter that will be used for IVF was inserted into my cervix to make sure that it would fit, and it did. Then a catheter was inserted. That wasn't too bad. Next, the balloon that keep the dye from coming back out of the cervix was inflated. I will be really honest about this part-it hurt and I cried. It was a very intense pain, but it lasted for less than one minute. I have had a kidney stone, and while the pain from the balloon was worse, it was bearable. Afterwards, I had a little spotting, no pain. The dye going in felt strange, but didn't really hurt. I would still recommend that everyone who has had an ectopic have an HSG. Some peace of mind is worth the brief pain.

I watched the monitor, and the dye went up the uterus, into the tube, and the ALL THE WAY OUT!!!! No blockage, which means no hydrosalpinx! The tube won't have to be removed! I was trying not to bawl...I was really expecting the worst.

So, in about two weeks, I will begin the Lupron injections. The retrieval and transfer should be about two weeks after. For the first time in 5 months, I have hope again! Theoretically, we could attempt natural conception. There are two reasons that we will attempt IVF first. One is physical, and the other is emotional:

Our risk of ectopic with IVF is about 2%, while the risk runs about 15-20% for natural conception. Who knows what medical miracles will take place in the next ten years?

Since I am at a high risk for another ectopic, we just don't know if we could go through months and months of trying, and then loose another to ectopic. If IVF is successful on the first attempt, we can relax a bit, which will make trying naturally in the future less stressful (since we would know that IVF could work).

I want to stress this point-just because Todd and I will be attempting conception through IVF, does not mean that you won't be able to conceive naturally! Get your testing done, and if everything looks okay, go for it! There is hope for us all!

I shudder to think...if I hadn't of sought a second opinion, I would possibly be lying in the bed tonight, with NO hope of ever conceiving naturally. One more push to question everything that your doctor tells you.

Many thanks to those of you who have cared enough about us to write. Take care and many blessings.

click here to return to Ectopic Facts

Well, just another day in the soap opera of my life...the IVF cycle has been postponed for another month! Apparently, the IVF lab is closed down four times a year. Lucky for me, my stimulation this cycle would start just before, which means that there would be no one available to monitor, retrieve, or transfer. Ugh! The IVF nurse apologized profusely, and we determined that there was just a miscommunication between us.

I was so angry when she told me, and I cried. I swear, this living my life in two-week and one-month intervals is nerve wracking! I so feel for people who have to go through years of testing and waiting just to get to this point!

So, it's another month on the treadmill of fertility, but there is an upside. Todd has agreed to take me on a vacation. We missed our yearly trip to Puerto Vallarta in April, so I am looking forward to getting out of here!

I am currently on DOC12, and I am to call my RE when I detect an LH-surge on the opk. At that time, they will instruct me when to begin the Lupron injections (probably DOC21, September 17). Todd brought the needles and syringes home today. He tried to tell me that the ones used for mixing were the ones used for injections. Very funny-the mixing needles are about twice the size of the injection needles.

The support group is up and running, and while it is still kind of slow (everyone is slowly introducing themselves), I am very excited that there are so many members already! My one hope for this support group is that something is learned, gained, and healed from it.

I am at that stage after a pregnancy loss where it seems that everyone has forgotten that I am still grieving. I am taking new account of my life, and those who I deem important to me. This is a really hard way to learn who actually cares about you, but I feel as if I am learning lessons that will be valuable for the rest of my life. For this reason, Todd and I have decided to not tell anyone exactly when we will be undergoing IVF. Sure, they could read about it here, but that is part of the problem (hardly anyone has taken the time to really go over the site). We don't want to take the chance that IVF won't work the first time, or that it will and we will have a loss. We might need support, not get it, and feel worse.

In lieu of a vacation, we decided to get some house projects done. What a trade-off!

My Lupron start date is Tuesday, September 14! That is three whole days sooner than I had anticpated! Will update on how the first day goes...

My wonderful friend Elizabeth sent this to me. While I experienced some of these joyous moments with Tucker, and I will always be his Mommy, this poem really hits home with me right now. I want it again, and I want it all.

A Mom Wannabe

I want to be a mom. But I can't. Instead, I'm a mom wannabe.

I want to procreate. I want to conceive a child naturally with my husband, in the privacy of our home, in the spirit of love and passion, in the way God intended. But I can't. Instead, a doctor, a laboratory and a test tube will try to assist God with our conception.

I want to discover that my period is several days late. I want to buy a pregnancy test and pee on a stick. I want to see the + sign. I want to cry tears of joy for the news we'd discovered. But I can't. Instead, I cry tears of pain at random, for no reason and with no warning.

I want to experience morning sickness. I want my hormones to go haywire. I want the "pregnant glow." I want to have my husband talk to my belly. But I can't. Instead, I try not to look pregnant. I don't buy clearance clothes for next year, "just in case." I try to keep my emotions from going haywire. I dream that my husband talks to my belly.

I want to take pre-natal vitamins. I want to eat for two. I want to schedule my first doctor's visit. I want to sit in the waiting room with other pregnant women and know that I am one of them. But I can't. Instead, I wonder if those pregnant women ever had problems conceiving. I think how cute they look as they waddle with their big bellies. I smile at babies that are not mine. I ache from loving someone I've never met.

I want to hear the Doctor say, "You're pregnant. Your progress is right on schedule." But I can't. Instead, I hear: "I am sorry," "Let's try one more cycle, technology is really improving."

I want to surprise my parents with a new grandchild. I want to tell my family and friends our good news. I want my life to change overnight. I want to read What to Expect When You're Expecting. But I can't. Instead, I have no news to tell. I realize my life hasn't changed in years. I read When Empty Arms Leave a Heavy Burden.

I want to monitor the progress. I want to see the ultrasounds. I want to hear the heartbeat. I want to watch our baby grow. I want to feel the kicks. But I can't. Instead, I take the injections. I give blood. I watch my eggs grow and pray they fertilize. My embryos are transferred, while my husband watches our conception from across the room. I wait. I pray. I wait for the one phone call that can make our life better. Or worse.

I want to decorate the nursery. I want to childproof our home. I want to shop for adorable, soft, tiny outfits. I want to shop at Gymboree. I want to save money for the baby's future. But I can't. Instead, I imagine a crib in the empty room down the hall. I avoid the baby stores in the mall. We spend our money on doctor appointments, tests and high tech procedures. We spend our money on a dream. We are left with an empty bank account. We are left with empty arms.

I want to share the experience with my pregnant friends. I want to compare symptoms. I want to be the guest of honor at a baby shower. But I can't. Instead, I watch my friends get pregnant quickly. I watch their bellies grow, attend their showers, see their pictures and try to be a good friend. I watch their lives change and our friendships change in front of my eyes.

I want my belly to drop. I want my water to break. I want contractions. I want an epidural. I want my husband by my side and my family in the waiting room. I want the pushing. I want the pain. I want to hear the cry. But I can't. Instead, I feel a different pain. I hear my own cry. Yes, I even hear the cry of my husband which hurts more than I had ever imagined.

I want to hold our baby in my arms, with tears of joy streaming down our faces. I want to experience the miracle of birth, thinking, "We did it!", but knowing that God did it. But I can't. Instead, I hold my husband in my arms with tears of sorrow streaming down our faces and wonder what God's plan is for us and why we have to go through this.

I want to pray that one extra special blessing be added to my life. And I do. I pray my 1000th unanswered prayer to God and hope that this time He answers. I pray for the miracle of life that only God can give. I pray that someday soon, He will give it to us.

I want to be a mom-but I can't. Instead, I am right where God wants me to be: thankful for our blessings, searching out His will, basking in His grace, trusting in His perfect plan, praying for a change in status.

From a mom wannabe, to the mom I want to be.

-Alison Kathleen Whitney

Today is Day 12 of the Lupron injections. They don't hurt, but the fact that I am taking them is getting on my nerves! Not the choice, the fact. Todd said to me the other day, "I'm sorry that we have to do this." I laughed and said, "We?" I wanted to take the needle and stab him in the eye. I didn't, of course.

AF should show up any day now, and I am patiently awaiting her arrival. That's a first. When that happens, I will go in for a suppression check (ultrasound to check for cysts and estradiol blood test). If that checks out (no cysts and an estradiol level above 20), I will be given a day and time to start the Gonal-F injections. I will be still be taking Lupron on a daily basis, but only once a day with the Gonal-F. If the suppression check does not check out (cysts or an estradiol level below 20), the cycle ends there. I don't even want to think about this right now.

A friend had her second beta HCG blood test yesterday-her second since a positive pregnancy test after transfer. The numbers are not rising as they should, and an ectopic is suspected. I am feeling so bad for her, but scared for myself at the same time. Are we going to be paying for another heartbreak, too?

First, good news! My friend has had two more HCG blood tests since the 25th, and everything is okay! She is pregnant, and is seem to not be ectopic!

Well, after 18 days of being on Lupron, I called my RE. I started having side effects (headaches, joint pain, indigestion, nausea). These are all "normal", but I had only anticipated being on Lupron (only) for 14 days-the symptoms usually show up about 10-14 days AFTER being on Lupron. I was also worried because I read that AF may be delayed when taking Lupron by the presence of ovarian cysts. Remember, I had one several months ago. Since I had been on Lupron for so long, they went ahead and scheduled my bloodwork. This was Friday morning. AF showed up on Friday evening, and it was a good thing that I had already scheduled an appointment. They see patients on the weekend, but don't make appointments once the weekend has begun. Todd and I went in on Saturday morning, and had my E2 level bloodwork done. After I told them that AF had shown up, they did my u/s. Well, I was expecting the worst (after all that has happened), so the news that I have three (not one, three) ovarian cysts didn't surprise me.

My RE nurse said that she would talk to the doctor on call after my bloodwork results came in. She called Saturday afternoon. It was a go-ahead! I could not believe it. I was expecting to her, "We are going to have to cancel this cycle." Seems that my E2 level was low enough to rule the cysts nonfunctional, or not a problem. She didn't tell me this, it is just what I inferred (and what I have found researching it).

I will be taking 75IU/twice a day. I also take .05cc of Lupron with the morning Gonal-F injection. I am also taking prenatals, baby aspirin, and doxycycline. I am a walking pharmaceutical department! I started the Gonal-F injections yesterday morning. They HURT. Not just sting from the alcohol on the initial "stick". They really, really hurt. I cry each and every time Todd gives me one. I think this is the first time that Todd has realized how very stressful this is. He feels so bad, because it seems like "he" is hurting me. I can only hope that all of this will be worth it.

I have my first stimulation bloodwork and u/s appointment on Friday morning. I am excited, but dreading it at the same time. There are still many things that could go wrong, at any point in the cycle. I just have to keep my hopes up.

Today was Day 10 of the Gonal-F injections, Day 5 of bloodwork and u/s appointments. My Gonal dosage was upped from 75IU to 150IU/twice a day on Friday night. Last night, it was dropped back down to 75IU/twice a day. I totalled up how many injections I have had since September 14th--66. Add the six blood tests, and the grand total of needles that have been in my body goes to 72. This is so much fun.

I have another bloodwork and u/s appointment in the morning, and the results will determine when the HCG injection will be. Most likely, tomorrow night. We met with my doctor today, and he said that everything is progressing wonderfully. If the HCG injection is tomorrow, the retrieval will be on Friday morning. I am kind of freaked out about that, as Friday would have been Tucker's due date, and we have something special planned. Maybe this is a sign? Let's hope a good one.

For several days, I was feeling really "heavy". As the follicles develop in my ovaries, the ovaries themselves get really big. My doctor said that they were larger than baseballs! This would explain the pressure that I was feeling for several nights. The only way I can explain it is like a lump in your throat, that you can't swallow. This is really abstract, since the feeling is nowhere near my throat.

Getting nervous now. Excited, too. I am going to add a page with my IVF schedule, so that the entire cycle is easier to understand. I am going to include some definitions, as I have received loads of e-mail asking me to explain why I am taking something, etc.

I decided to add this addendum to the 10/12/99 update. One purpose is medical awareness and the other is a vent!

It seems that a former correspondent of mine has given incorrect information to women regarding a false correlation between ectopic pregnancy and incompetent cervix. An ectopic pregnancy DOES NOT put a woman at a higher risk for incompetent cervix in subsequent pregnancies. My risk for incompetent cervix is due to a cone biopsy/laser surgery on my cervix done in 1988. This was 10 years before my ectopic. A D&C can increase the risk of incompetent cervix, but very rarely is a D&C done with regard to an ectopic pregnancy (especially a tubal ectopic). In fact, most ectopic pregnancies are resolved in ways that do not involve the cervix at all. However, a D&C can increase the risk for both ectopic pregnancy and incompetent cervix. D&Cs are most often performed after an incomplete miscarriage, during elective abortions, and sometimes during surgery for a cervical ectopic.

I have been thinking lately about one specific comment that Todd and I have heard since my HSG-"Why don't you just try naturally for a while?" I answered part of this in the 08/05/99 update, and not that this should be anyone's business but ours, felt the need to elaborate. Going through the IVF process has nothing to do with being impatient. It has nothing to do with not hoping that we can conceive naturally one day. What it does have to do with is this: I DO NOT WANT TO DIE. Not yet.

I know that a pregnancy can be monitored from very early on, if I were to get pregnant naturally again. However, with Tucker, I had a "period" for two months while pregnant with him. No spotting. Bleeding. Like a normal AF. I could get pregnant, not know for months, and then end up in the emergency room, in a REAL emergency situation (most ectopics rupture around 6 weeks). I don't mean to scare anyone who is hoping to conceive naturally after an ectopic, I am only going by what I experienced before. These are, after all-my updates!

It's funny. This comment came from people who have probably never visited this site, have no idea what it is like to actually mourn a pregnancy loss, and possibly couldn't explain an ectopic if asked. In fact, most people don't even know that ALL fertilization takes place in the fallopian tube, not just the fertilization of ectopics. Go figure. Sorry for the outburst, but it really felt good. Nice manners are hard to keep up at times.

The HCG injection was last night at 9:30 P.M. I lay there and sobbed for five minutes before Todd gave me the injection-a 1 1/2-inch needle looks worse that it is. It actually didn't hurt at all, and we were afraid that he had done it wrong. He is proficient at SQ injections, but this was his first IM. My pre-op appointment was today, and it really could have been done yesterday (and saved me another hour drive). The retrieval is tomorrow morning at 9:30 A.M.

At my last u/s, there were 21 follicles. I expect that at least three of those will be either too mature/immature, based on their size at that time.

My retrieval was yesterday morning. We arrived about an hour beforehand, and I was only in the surgery center for about 30 minutes (based on Todd's estimate). I spent about 10 minutes asleep in the recovery room, and then I was up and ready to go. There was some bleeding, but that is entirely normal. They were able to retrieve 17 eggs. Afterwards, I was feeling good enough to stop at one of my favorite restaurants and have Todd pick up lunch to go. I was starving, since I hadn't eaten since Thursday night! My ovaries were kind of sore for the rest of the day, but no more so than they had been while on the Gonal-F. I have been prescribed doxycycline, medrol (a steroid that makes the uterus a less hostile environment for embryos), and Darvocet. I took two of the Darvocets yesterday, but didn't feel like I needed them today. The soreness is fading.

However, I had my first progesterone injection last night. I wasn't expecting it to hurt as badly. Todd massaged the area and we used a heating bottle, but it still hurt today! Funny, the progesterone injection tonight hardly hurt at all. We iced the area beforehand, and Todd put the filled syringe on the heating bottle for a few minutes before injection. I suppose that all factors helped, but I have to wonder if one side is more sensitive than the other. The site tonight is the same side that the HCG injection was given, and that didn't hurt either. Just have to wait and see how tomorrow night goes...

The RE called today, and 15 of the eggs fertilized! She said that is great. She will call again tomorrow with an update on the embryos, and I will (in turn) update the site!

Many thanks to all of you who sent us e-cards and warm wishes for Tucker's due date. I will soon post an update on that page regarding how we memorialized October 15 for him.

The transfer took place on Wednesday at 2:00 P.M. We arrived about 15 minutes early (as we were instructed). I had a full bladder (again, as instructed), and we had to wait about 30 minutes! I was about to burst. It didn't help matters that the nurse had to get the u/s ready, which entailed pushing on my abdomen with it. A television monitor on the ceiling projected the two blasts that were to be transferred. It was really interesting to actually see them. However, they are not what I would call "pretty"!

The RE came in an inserted the catheter into my cervix. There was some cramping, but very minimal. The embryologist came in and explained how the remaining embryos were doing, and the transfer began. The entire transfer took less than five minutes. The RE said that my uterus looked "perfect", and that the transfer had gone smoothly. I was asked to sit with my knees up for a few moments, and then was allowed to change back into my clothes (and use the restroom!!!!). We were given a picture of the two blasts that were transferred.

On Wednesday and Thursday, I stayed in bed. The RE said that total bedrest wasn't necessary, but I only got up to shower, use the restroom, and fix something to eat. I was really, really bored. There are only so many catalogs to look at. I watched a couple of movies-not very good ones, I might add. Last night, we went to dinner with some friends, and on the whole-I feel fine. Just very tired.

At the time of transfer, there were 13 embryos still developing, and three of them made it to freeze. The remaining 10 "stopped developing". We would have liked to have had more to freeze, but are thankful that any made it. That is a risk of attempting blastocyst transfer-if you even have any to transfer, you are lucky to have any for freezing. We ARE counting our blessings!

The pregnancy test will be next Friday, October 29, which is also Todd's birthday. It is either going to be a really good day, or a really bad day. I will try to update on any symptoms I may have between now and then. As of today, no cramping-just mild rhythmic feelings in my abdomen. I am going to fess up. I took an ept today. There I was, getting a towel from the linen cabinet, and an ept made its appearance. Of course it was negative. I didn't expect it not to be, as this is only Day 7 after conception. I am glad that I took it. Now I don't have any to take next week when HCG might be present in my system! It is better to just wait for the bHCG blood test!

This is NOT THE update! Didn't want to get anyone on the edge.

We are about to leave for the beta HCG blood test. They will call this afternoon with the results, but truthfully-I am not expecting to receive a positive. For most of the week, I was bloated, urinating frequently, and even threw up in the shower! Ugh. By Thursday morning, most of those symptoms had dissipated.

I will admit to having taken 5 more hpts in the last 3 days. The first four were faintly positive, but the one this morning, was VERY faint. Not much hope in that, eh? It was suggested to me that the faintly positive results could have been from the HCG injection that I received on October 13. However, any traces of that would be long gone. So, who knows?

I have received so many well wishes for today, and we both appreciate it. IVF is not a sure thing. The actual chances of a live birth are only about 30%. With my age and blast transfer, the odds are a little higher. However, I am not holding my breath. I think it is better to just expect the worst. That has worked in the past. I guess. More later...

continued

WELL...here it is. THE update. My beta came back at 93, which is positive! My progesterone is a little low (31), so as of tomorrow, I will begin taking the oral progesterone (in addition to the IM injections). I go back next week for another blood test. I am praying that the levels will have risen appropriately. I am kind of overwhelmed right now, so I will go. I have decided to only post about this pregnancy until an ectopic is ruled out. I will then create another page, which you will have to access from this page. I don't think that it is fair to go on and on about a current pregnancy on a page where needed medical information is located.

I will update again soon. Thank you all for your prayers.

I sincerely apologize for not updating the site sooner than today. I have been having problems with my computer lately, and with my web program for over month. I have also recently developed a mild case of carpal tunnel, which has been keeping me away from the computer (and just about any task that involves quick movements of the fingers).

Since my last update, I have had three HCG blood tests. The most recent test was over 6000! I had an early u/s on Tuesday, November 9 and the gestational sac was in the uterus! Sadly, only one of the embryos seems to have made it, but we are still feeling very blessed. As we should be.

Last Tuesday, we had the "real" u/s and saw the heartbeat. Everything seems to be progressing as it should be. My progesterone level has evened out, but I am still taking the IM injections and the oral tablets on a daily basis. Hopefully, after my blood test on Tuesday (for progesterone), they will begin to wean me off of the IM injections. Hopefully!!

This will be my last update regarding this pregnancy. I will soon be creating a new page for the pregnancy, and you are welcome to visit. Please do not do so, if you don't feel that you can hear about a current pregnancy at this time. If you would like to visit Little Bean's page, please use the link below.

Well folks, I consider myself a success story. We took the IVF route this time, and it worked. We hope to one day conceive naturally and give birth to another child, so stay tuned...

Thank you all for reading.

06/04/04

Okay, so it's almost 4 years later.  I try to update the  site as often as I can, and feel a load of guilt when I can't!  Life does go on, but knowing that it (the site) is "here" makes me feel like I have done something for humanity.  A little something?

I now own an infant and children's boutique.  How ironic is that?  It is so much work, but I am blissfully happy with it.

Cooper is just the cutest doodlebug--he will be 4 in July.  Where does the time go?  After all of the above, I was SO SURE I was going to be SUPER-MOM.  Didn't happen (she says with a giggle).  I try my best to make sure he knows he is loved, and he does.  So, for all of you who have struggled with loss and trying, don't beat yourself up if you don't do an educational craft each and every day.  Or every week...

We still have cryo'd embryos, and I would like to try a frozen cycle later this early, or in early 2005.  We shall see.

Thanks again for visiting, and THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH for all of the lovely e-mails I still receive regarding this site.

09/06/06
(there is a little tad bit of expletive use in this one, so I apologize in advance) 

So much in two years, and what an awful person I am for not updating more often!
I know how much this site means to so many of you, and that having somewhere to go is a great touchstone during and after a loss.
I am so sorry.

Let's cut to the chase...I had another ectopic loss in April of this year.  While I was prepared for the worst, it was much scarier this time, and resulted in a last-minute emergency salpingectomy of my left fallopian tube (the right was removed in 1999).  I was about 9 weeks, which means I became pregnant in February.  I didn't even realize I might be pregnant until it dawned on me that I hadn't had a period in two months.  I guess I didn't learn anything from my first loss, or from this site, eh?
I will be adding a new page to the site detailing this loss, as the initial treatment was entirely different this time.
 I hope that the blunders that I went through can help someone else!
There is pending litigation, so I have to be careful what I say and take some time going over it before I publish it here.

Which leads me to another topic--this site.  This site was created in 1999 after the loss of my first son, Tucker.  At that time, there was very little information online about ectopic pregnancies, much less about the emotional recovery from this type of loss.  This website was (and is) meant to provide information and support to women who have had an ectopic loss, and their spouses, friends and families.  If you aren't in any of these categories, there is really no reason for you to visit this site.  While this may sound strange or harsh, those of you who have corresponded with me over the years know there is always a reason for this type of warning, disclaimer, whatever you want to call it...

As you know, I have owned and operated a children's boutique since 2002.  The success we have had has been overwhelming and I could not be more thankful.  However, we have been harassed (in one form or another) by people (assigns, minions, whatever) associated with another county children's boutique since a few months after we opened.  It began with general harassment, and has begun to escalate in the last few months. In light of my usual rants about harassment towards women on this site, you may be surprised to know that I have remained calm and sat like Buddha.  I haven't enjoyed it, but I refuse to act out and let people get the better of me. I have been through worse, and take it with a grain of salt.   I have also known that if it came down to legal action, I wanted a clean record.   I have been keeping dutiful records and notes, so I am prepared.
 I am going somewhere with this, and it does have to do with this site and my above warning.

The harassment became worse in March of this year, when I relocated my store to the same city.  In July of this year, the owner of the other store (which my employee did not recognize and therefore we didn't know it was her until a few weeks later), her daughter, and a friend of theirs came into my boutique (while I was away, of course) and harassed my employee.  This had happened quite a lot by other assigns, but this time we were able to identify the perpetrator.  The friend was removed from the premises and issued a criminal trespassing warrant the next day.   The criminal trespassing warrant should have taught the woman a lesson--that I do NOT play games when it comes down to it.
( I would have requested the same for the owner of the other store, but I thought that weeks afterwards was a moot point.)
Less than two weeks later, the friend was overheard telling someone that she "knew about Krista's little medical problems in April, and that she would call that karma."
Yeah--you did read that right.

What gets me is that I had said to someone months ago, "I wonder if  (the other store owner) will say something nasty about me loosing the baby".  My friend replied, "No one is that disgusting."  This friend, who is extremely faithful in her religion was appalled when she heard what the woman's friend said--I think "Oh, she is so going to hell" was her exact response.  What is it with people?  Does a 50-plus year old woman understand how pathetic her comment was?  It is just sad, sad, sad.  

Here's the kicker, girls.  The owner of the other store HAS BEEN VISITING THIS SITE FOR MONTHS.  That is why I felt the need to spew this all on my site.  The only thing I can figure is that she googled my name (creepy) and found this site through an old link (when I used to publish my full name).  I heard that she has spent quite a bit of time tooling around here (even creepier).  If you saw the blurb on the home page before today that said "...stop being such a skeevy stalker", it was directed at her.  I wanted her to know that I knew she had been here, but better yet--to wonder HOW I knew weeks ago.

While the owner of the other store did not say that horrible, disgusting thing about my recent loss, she did know about this site, and how devastated I was with my first loss, as well as the mirrored feelings of the thousand of women who go through this each year. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree when it comes to friends, as far as I am concerned.  It doesn't look all that great for the owner of a children's boutique to be less than sympathetic about pregnancy loss, does it?
To top this all off, in defense of the woman who did make the remark, one of the other store's employees made the mistake of making a snippy remark about my loss TODAY.  The employee implied that I opened myself up for nasty comments because I have this site.  What?!?  These people are all nuts.

It's all coming back to bite them in the ass sooner rather than later.
This is a small county, and word spreads fast.
I've been here a long time, and know that firsthand!
The beauty of it is that they dug this hole themselves, and I don't even have to lift a finger (or a phone).  I wouldn't anyway, because other than protecting this site, they have no significance to me. After this update, they won't be mentioned on this site again.  EVER.

I am pissed off that I had to take my time and precious space on this update to speak to this woman.
 I have only put up with harassment in my personal and professional life until I have had a legal position to argue, but LET ME MAKE THIS VERY CLEAR...

I will not put up with ANY FORM OF HARASSMENT regarding my pregnancy losses, or the losses of others.
If death threats from religious zealots don't scare me, immature words aren't going to do much.
All the harassment and stupidity does is make me more driven in my business and more protective of this site
You have children and grandchildren, you should be ashamed.
In case you missed the point, this site is for the support and resource of ectopic pregnancy. Stay off of this site otherwise, you freak.

Sorry for making you wonderful people who have visited read all of this.  You have been like little lights to me over the years, and I hope I have done the same for you.
 Keep your faith, courage, and hope.  I'll be doing it for me, and you!