Stacey's Story

My name is Stacey, I am 42 years old and it was two weeks ago today that I had surgery to remove my third ectopic pregnancy. They were all so different that I have decided to write about all three of them.  The First Time--it took me by complete surprise. I didn't know that I was pregnant and had only barely heard of tubal pregnancies. My last period had been light, but I have always had inconsistent periods so I didn't think anything of it. On a Tuesday morning in early April 1996, I started having pains in my abdomen that prevented me from standing upright, so I called in sick to work as I had a fairly physical job at the time. The pain continued throughout the day but was gone by the next morning, so I went back to work. I was at work the following Friday and I started having pains again, but this time they were much worse, like a hot knife running through my abdomen from my belly button to my butt. It was the kind of pain that makes you break out in an immediate sweat and stop whatever you are doing. By the time I got home I decided to call Planned Parenthood to ask them about it. I described the pain and she said it could be just intense gas, but she suggested I come in for a pregnancy test ASAP anyway.

It turned out positive and I got a huge smile on my face that lasted about 2 seconds, just until she explained my situation to me. Her exact words were, "Go straight to the hospital, no stopping along the way." I was confused...why couldn't they just move my baby to my uterus, how did this happen, why did this happen, and what's next? In the emergency room they did a blood test and my hormones were sky high so I was scheduled for immediate surgery. They explained that surgery was the only option, that it was down to saving my life now. Sure I was scared, but I was more confused than anything. Why and how, why and how? It all happened so fast that I didn't really have time to get close to my baby.

During surgery they found the pregnancy in my left tube, so the doctor removed as much of the pregnancy as he could while affecting my tube as little as possible. After the surgery I had to go to the doctor's office for weekly blood draws to check my hormone levels and after the fourth one, he decided I needed a dose of Methotrexate, which made me feel like I had the flu for 2 days. The next blood draw that I had done came back with good news, the Methotrexate had done it's job.

The Second Time--I had a suspicion that I may be pregnant, so I took a home test the day after Thanksgiving 1998. It turned out positive!!! My husband Mike and I were so very excited, that is until I started having similar pains that weekend. They were not nearly as intense but they had the same quality (going from belly button to butt), so I still wasn't sure if it was "just gas" or not. Monday's visit to the doctor's office afforded my me first look at my uterus via vaginal ultrasound. When no baby was visible I was given the option of going straight to the hospital or going home until the following morning when my surgery was scheduled for. I decided to check into the hospital at that time, since I live so far out of town. This time I had 4 days to think about my baby, but still I didn't allow myself to get very close to the situation emotionally since my pain had started so soon after the discovery of my pregnancy. During surgery it was discovered that my left tube and ovary had fused together, so they had to be removed. There was no need for Methotrexate this time.

The Third time--my breasts were extremely tender, I think almost from the day of conception. It seems like a good three weeks that I thought I may be pregnant until the time that I thought a home test could give accurate results. I got my first positive results on Thursday February 8, 2001. The look of joy on Mike's face was worth a thousand words! I had had a biopsy done on my right breast that day (which had a good outcome, by the way), so that evening I got calls from my two closest friends asking how it all went. "Piece of cake", I said, "but guess what...I think I'm pregnant." Knowing all the while that I am susceptible for more ectopics, I told them, "let's just hope it's in the right place this time." They couldn't help but be excited...one friend never wanted children, but became a mother at 36 and has a beautiful 5-year old girl. The other friend had always wanted children but had to have a hysterectomy in her mid-30's due to an ectopic pregnancy.

The following day (Friday, February 9) I went to my doctor's office again and when I told him I had a positive home test, his first question was if I'd been having any pains (to which I answered "no"), then he did a vaginal ultrasound on me, but couldn't see my baby yet. They did a blood draw and told me to come back the next Monday for another one so they could chart the rise of hormones. I went back on Monday and gave them more blood, then on Tuesday I got a call saying they wanted me back, that day if possible, for another ultrasound. I went right in and still he couldn't see anything in my uterus except a nice, thick endometrial lining...which he said was a good sign. I was 5 weeks pregnant at that time, and he told me that this was a borderline time for being able to see my baby and that in a week he would be able to give me a definite yes or no. Then the ultrasound revealed a mass on the outside of my uterus, and that's when I got worried. He tried reassuring me by saying that it could be a cyst that's supporting the pregnancy that he just couldn't see yet.

By this time it had been over three weeks since I had suspected that I was pregnant and five days since I knew I was. I even "felt" pregnant this time...I felt so special, like everyone who saw me would know instantly that I was pregnant! I felt like I was glowing, so much so that I felt like a neon light! Still, I had tried to be rational all the while by keeping the possibility of it being another ectopic in my mind, and had tried to keep my husband in a state of reality rather than euphoria...just in case. I find it strange that in the 10 minutes it took from seeing the mass on the outside of my uterus until I crawled into my truck, I went from a neon light to a burned out bulb. I no longer felt pregnant. Though I continued to treat myself as if I was pregnant (eating properly, etc.) and continued to talk to my baby as if he/she were going to be born just like most babies are, the glow had been replaced by doubt and fear. Waiting for my next ultrasound was the longest week of my life.

Finally it was Monday February 19th and the day of truth. I still had a nice, thick lining, and I was still pain-free, though I had been experiencing a sort of "pressure" near my right ovary, kind of like when I ovulate and I am aware of my ovary's presence. I still had hopes of everything being alright, but they were dashed when there was no baby to be seen in my uterus. My doctor came back into the room and the look on his face told me everything. His first words were something about surgery the following day, but I couldn't hear him through my tears. I always try to keep a brave, happy-go-lucky face on, but it was impossible to hold back the sorrow. I had become so close to my baby despite my efforts to remain rational.

The surgery went fine. There was a cyst on my ovary and my baby was clear up by my spleen. He was able to save my tube and now it's just a matter of time as to whether I have to have another dose of Methotrexate. My body is healing fine, but my heart is another story. At times it feels so full of anger that it will burst. At other times the sorrow is so great that it feels like it's pressing in on my heart, threatening to collapse it. I find myself wishing that I had not made it through the surgery either, but then I think of my darling husband and am grateful that he didn't lose both of us. That would have killed him.

The absolute worst part of it all is that I have had two chances at being a mother and I threw them away due to abortion. Now I am a 42-year old woman who is childless and married to a man who had always wanted children, and my chances of giving him one are so very slim. We can't afford In Vitro at $10,000 a try, with it generally taking three tries just to get a 50/50 chance of getting pregnant. 

I know that it's normal to be on an emotional roller coaster just two weeks after a surgery like this, so I will be back with an update when things have settled down. Until then I will try to regain some peace of mind. I know I will always ache for my baby and what could have been, I don't expect that to go away, but I would dearly love to learn from this situation so it doesn't feel like just a pointless tragedy.  Though this was written through many tears, I know it's therapeutic, so I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for this forum. Thank you from me and to all the women who have contributed their stories-we are all bonded in immeasurable pain and sorrow.

Sincerely,
Stacey
Spiritquest91@aol.com