My husband Paul and I were married in August 1998 and for two years we had been trying to become three. I had been on the pill so we realized that this would take time and as an IBS sufferer our efforts were sometimes hampered by the pain from the IBS! When we discovered we were pregnant we were delighted but things went very wrong. I did not suffer any pain and only bled for three days and after having an ectopic pregnancy all I can say I feel is a longing for what might have been. This is my story.

To the outside world we carried on as normal and even went as far as telling people that we didn't want children yet so that we didn't feel pressurized by "friends". We were out with friends one evening and I felt a bit queasy whilst we were out and a friend even joked "your probably pregnant!" I laughed it off but knew I was. When my period failed to materialize on the Friday ten days later I did a pregnancy test. The feeling watching those two blue lines was indescribable. Feeling that maybe I was just hoping too much I sent Paul of to the supermarket to buy another test! This again was positive.

Like most people we always think that we could be wrong until the doctor confirms it so Monday morning we both went to work as normal but Paul had the little pot in tow to drop into the doctors surgery. As our doctors do testing at the surgery they telephoned me at work to confirm the news a couple of hours later and this was probably on of the happiest days of my life. Paul was so over the moon that I could ear him grinning over the phone!!!

On the Wednesday I started spotting but knew this could be normal so just monitored it but didn't worry. By the following day it was a little heavier (but not a heavy as a period) but to be careful I got an appointment with the doctor just for assurance. This is when the nightmare began. She told me to go home and rest and at 8am the next day (Friday) go to the Early Pregnancy Assessment Unit of the local hospital. I saw a nurse named Jill and she sent me for an immediate scan. The scan showed nothing so they presumed that I was too early to show, and as my previous period had been lighter than usual we were unsure of dates. When I saw Jill again straight afterwards she said that it appeared that I was having an early miscarriage but to be sure they would run Beta HCG blood tests every 48 hours. It was explained to me that this was the pregnancy hormone and that if I had a miscarriage then over two tests the level would fall, in a normal pregnancy the level doubles every 48 hours but in an ectopic the levels only rise slightly. She expected the first test to come back at around 500 so we were devastated when it came back at 210. I didn't know what to feel as I didn't know if I was pregnant or not, whether to grieve or hope, and most of all what to do with myself!! By Friday night I lost a couple of clots so returned to the hospital only to be told by a doctor that it was probably a miscarriage and to go home and take it easy. I still had no pain.

On the Sunday I returned to the hospital for the second blood test and saw the same doctor again she said to me that "these things happen and to be realistic, but that she would do the second test just in case" To our amazement the test came back at 418. We were to frightened to get excited as the count was still very low but as far as we were concerned I was still pregnant. I returned for more blood tests every 48 hours with results of 612, 845 and then 1365. As you can see they were not doubling but they were not going up slightly either. I was booked in for a further scan on the Wednesday and they did both external and internal scans and still found nothing. This was like riding a roller coaster with the highs of being pregnant and the lows of losing a baby all rolled into one. I was so confused I didn't know what to think. After the scan I saw Jill again and she said that she was confident enough to say that this wasn't a normal pregnancy and that if the BHCG level hadn't fallen with the latest test that I was to admitted to hospital for surgery. I was terrified of having surgery and it has got to be one of the most heartbreaking feelings to be sent home hoping that you have lost your baby or you go to theatre. I still had no pain and just fell to pieces when I got home and so did Paul.

The call came at 3.30pm that day that the BHCG level had climbed to 2055 and it was cruel. My body said I was pregnant, my heart said I was pregnant, even my blood test said I was pregnant but I was being told by doctors that I wasn't allowed to be pregnant. I was to be admitted 1 hour later. They operated the following day and said that the pregnancy was on the verge of bursting through my tube and I was lucky. I had lost my tube though. The surgeon was fantastic and did the whole operation through a laparascopy so the effects on my body could be minimized.

But it wasn't my body that was in turmoil. I could not get my heart around what had happened. Maybe if had felt pain then maybe I would have accepted what was happening but I felt fine. Even when I had my stitches checked a week later by my doctor all he could say to were statistics about how dangerous it could be. there was no sympathy and he even said that I could try again but not too soon as I need to "get over it" emotionally. Whilst I was fighting back tears for my lost angel all he did was look at the floor as if I was wasting his ten minutes appointment slot! Does he not realize that you don't get over it, you just learn to deal with the hurt. I found more sympathy and support in the nurse who escorted me to theatre than I did with my own doctor. She had known me for one day where as he has known me for years! Some friends stopped calling as they didn't know what to say to us and I felt I was being punished.

I went through the Why us? Why did we have to go through this? What did we do wrong? as well as the self pity stage of feeling defective, that my body could not even carry out the thing it was designed to do. Mum and a couple of goods friends sat and listened while I went over again and again what I felt. This was my key. Through talking I am finding that I will never be able to justify, understand or "get over" what has happened but with time I have realized that should we ever get pregnant and have a baby it will be the most precious thing that we can do together. I think the greatest hurdle is Fear. Fear of trying and it happening again, fear of not trying again, and fear of never getting another chance.

Thank you for providing this site as sitting here telling my story has helped me and reading other stories it has me realize that I am not alone. I felt so alone when this all happened as it had never happened to anybody I know and all of my friends have children so most just said to try again. Hope is the one thing that I cling to now and that is probably the thing that will keep me going.