Ways To Memorialize Loss

Two months after my surgery, I called the hospital to inquire as to whether or not I could find out whether Peanut was a boy or a girl. The pathology assistant at first asked me if I wanted to have any tests done, then immediately said that wouldn't be possible since Peanut's body had been preserved.

I told her that I was unaware that Peanut was still there. She told me that I should have been asked what I would have wanted to be done with Peanut's body. No one asked me anything! She also told me that the Pathology lab keeps such things for 3 months. My surgery had been 2 months ago! I was so confused.

I know that it was only a body...Peanut went to Heaven a long time ago. I was just afraid that if I didn't go and get Peanut (and have him buried) that I would feel so guilty. Todd and I decided to get Peanut. I called a crematorium, and the owner offered to provide his services at no charge. He told me that since Peanut was so small, he wasn't sure what he could give to me after. However, he also said that I could have Peanut placed in a box, and add some other things. I made a little plaque (on the computer) for the top of the box. I wrote a letter on the computer, Todd did the same. I put a picture of us in the box. I went and bought things for the cremation. I got a little flowered paper box (kind of like a jewelry box, but flatter), a pack of baby washcloths (I put one on the bottom of the box and kept the rest...every time I wash my face I will think of Peanut!), and 3 scarves for me to wear in memory of Peanut! I also put a burp cloth with an embroidered elephant on the bottom. I cried the whole time I was putting everything together, but I kept telling myself how good it looked and how proud of myself I should be!

I wasn't looking for closure...I just wanted Peanut's body to be handled with loving care by those who loved him. I know that I would have feel worse if I just let the hospital take care of it. I am sorry for everyone who wasn't given a choice, I wasn't either. I only found out that Peanut was still there by accident!

After Todd and I returned home, I felt good-calm. It felt so nice to know that I was doing the last thing that I could do for Peanut on Earth-except love him forever. A sense of calmness came over me when we left the funeral home...it is hard to explain. We were given a beautiful cream marble urn, and we are going to have a brass plaque made to go on it.

We also discovered that Peanut was a boy! I know it may sound weird, but when the nurse told us that she thought Peanut was a boy, it was almost like being pregnant and seeing the sex of my baby on ultrasound...does that make sense? There was a feeling of (sad) elation there. Peanut finally had an identity (other than being my most precious, special baby angel)! Before we went into the funeral home, Todd asked me if I thought that we should look...I had been thinking about it all day, wondering if I would regret doing it or regret not looking. I asked him if he could look first (to make sure that...well, you know). He looked and said, "Krista I really think you should look". I did, and it was amazing. Peanut just looked like a very tiny perfectly formed baby. I am so glad that I looked. Anyone who may have experienced this knows how mixed your emotions can be. I just cried and said "Hi"...We didn't look for long, but we (too) saw that Peanut was/is a boy. Peanut now had a name...My husband's name is Philip Todd, so the plaque that we will have made will say, "Peanut" Tucker...Tucker is the boy name that we had chosen we lost him.

I hope it doesn't sound horrible that this day was more of a happy day, than sad. There was much crying (on both our parts), but I am so proud of us. We loved our baby, and did what we felt that we had to do to finish his journey.

I will keep the urn on my china cabinet (that I painted myself, I might add) until I find the special place to scatter the ashes. I thought that I might take some of them to Puerto Vallarta with us (the next time we go) and place some in the ocean there. We love P.V. (go every year) and I would love to think that Peanut is there, too! I will keep some to scatter when we (one day) build our dream house! I may plant a weeping willow (the same kind that we planted here for Peanut when I found out that I was pregnant), and scatter the ashes there, too. click to go back

Many women are not given this option. If you were not, don’t feel guilty. Not having this option does not make you a bad parent. You can still memorialize your baby in a variety of ways. to return to Emotional Aspects click here

Internet memorials are a wonderful way to memorialize your baby. There are many sites, and most can be found by using a browser (keyword example: pregnancy (or infant) loss memorials).

In addition to Tucker's memorial on this site, I also have memorials for him on other personal websites. For a complete listing, click here. These websites were created by women who have also experienced a pregnancy/infant loss or by organizations dedicated to pregnancy/infant loss awareness.

I have also entered Tucker in The Book of Life at the Church of the Holy Innocents http:/www.innocents.com/Bookoflife.html.

Share Atlanta, a member of the SHARE group (http://www.shareatlanta.org) also offers a memorial site, as well as memory bricks. The order form for memory bricks can be copied from the Share Atlanta website. The pathway project IS NOT a fundraiser.

There are countless other ways to memorialize your baby. Some examples include:

  <Memorial Service>

This can be done at any time, however, you may want to have it on a day of special significance (date of loss, estimated due date, date of conception). Read poems and light candles. Release balloons (pink, blue, or pink and blue) with notes to your baby inside. Your memorial service may include your clergy, family members and friends, or may only include you and your spouse.

<Memory Book>

Create a memory book for your baby. Include ultrasound pictures and cards (both congratulating your pregnancy and sympathizing with your loss). Include any pictures that you had in the hopes of planning your baby’s nursery. Add poems that you like or those from your baby’s memorial service. I even included my positive pregnancy test from my gynecologist’s office!

 <Purchasing a Small Reminder of Your Baby>

For Tucker, I purchased several stuffed elephants. Stuffed animals, figurines, and pendants are also good ways to memorialize your baby. Choose something that reminds you of your baby (angels, children, a special flower, or a certain animal). Keep your reminder in a special place, or with you at all times (such as pendant on a necklace or bracelet).

 <Memory Garden>
By JoAnn, founder of Operation Angel http://virtualcleveland.com/OpAngel/index.html

Plant a garden in memory of your baby. Choose flowers or herbs that can bring you joy every day! You don’t have to use an acre of land, container gardens are just as nice!  (see also Memory Stones below)

<Remembrance Trees>

Families who lose loved ones often ask friends and relatives to donate to charities instead of sending flowers. Here's another option: You can help replant America's national forests through the Trees in Memory program.

For every $10 donated through the program, The National Arbor Day Foundation plants 10 trees in national forests that have been damaged by fire, disease or insects. The foundation also sends the donor a card, which can be given to the family of the deceased.

For details, write to the foundation at:

211 North 12th Street
Lincoln, Nebraska 68508
or call (402) 474-5655

<Memory Stones>

Najah Clemmons (ABIH) suggested memory garden stones for memory gardens or graveside placement. Angel Babies in Heaven has beautiful stones for sale at  www.galaxymall.com/children/angelbabies

I hope that you find these suggestions helpful. If you have any further suggestions on ways to memorialize your baby, please e-mail me. All suggestions will be credited to their creator, unless you wish to remain anonymous.