Lori's Story

It was July 2, 1998, and I had been having terrible cramps for a few days before that. Rob (my fiance) left for work early in the morning. I cleaned my house and ate a sandwich. All of a sudden, I had cramps that made me double over! I stumbled over to the couch and fell down on it, exhausted from the pain. I began crying and I rubbed my hand around my tummy when I felt the lump. I had no idea what it was, but it scared the heck out of me! I went on-line and told Rob to come home, that I needed to go to the hospital. He wanted me to wait, but I just had a feeling that I should go NOW, and that if he didn't come home now, I was going by myself. 

Rob and his ride got home really quick, picked me up, and Mike (our ride) dropped us off at the Hamilton General Hospital. I went into emergency and told them I was having terrible cramps and that I felt a lump in my tummy. They took all my information and had me sit in the waiting room. I sat there for about five minutes before they called me. They wanted me to give a urine sample, though I didn't ask for what. I gave it to them, and they left me in an examination room. About ten or fifteen minutes later, they asked me to get my fiance, and when we got back to the room, they told me my test was positive for pregnancy. I was scared at what Rob would say, but I was so happy because I had wanted this for almost 2 years (Rob didn't), and I immediately broke down in tears!

I started having really fast daydreams of a baby growing inside me, and then me giving birth to it, and then me and Rob raising it. But all those daydreams were shattered just as fast, when the doctor told me they thought it was an ectopic pregnancy. I had no idea what that was, but they explained it for me, and my tears were no longer happy ones, they were fearful tears. I didn't understand how or why this would happen. I didn't understand why they couldn't save my baby. They told me they would give Rob and I a few minutes alone, and then they would send in a counselor who would explain everything to me and help me with any questions.

Rob and I didn't say much, I could only keep thinking "I'm so scared" and "Why can't they save my baby?" The counselor came in and I just kept telling her what I was thinking and feeling. And then someone came in and told me they were going to take blood and then send me to McMaster Hospital because they were not sure how far along I was and if my tube ruptured, they wouldn't be able to save me. So they took blood and left the lock in incase my tube ruptured before I got to the other hospital on the other side of the city. I remember being in the ambulance, and there was a lady attendant with me. I kept asking her, "Am I going to be ok? What's going to happen?" She tried to console me, but nothing seemed to help. When I got to the hospital, I sat in a stretcher in the hallway for a few hours, and then they put me in an exam room and drew lots of blood and did lots of tests. I finally begged them to take the lock out, it was killing me and my arm was stiff from lying still for so many hours.

They took it out and then they tried to schedule an ultrasound for that day, but nothing was available, but they got me in for the next day. They told us I would have to stay the night, and they were going to set me up with a room. They were going to put me in the Maternity Ward, with all the new mother's and babies. They wanted to put me in a room with a new baby and it's mother! I couldn't believe this! Here I am, about to lose my baby, and they want to put me in a room with a new baby! I wouldn't stand for this, and so they put me in a private room. They would not let Rob spend the night in the room with me, but he was allowed to stay in the waiting room. When everyone left me, I put my hand on the little lump in my belly. I just knew it was my baby, and I began to cry. I kept thinking, "I might not ever be able to see you, but I feel you inside me like every pregnant woman feels their baby inside them." I kept telling the baby that I was sorry we couldn't save it, but that they were going to go to a good place and would be well taken care of. I cried myself to sleep that night, and dreamed of my little baby.

I woke up in the morning in tears, and I remember having a gut feeling that the baby inside me was a little girl. My fiance was there and so was my family. Everyone tried to console me and make me feel better, but I only wanted to hear one thing, someone would save my baby. Later that afternoon, I had my ultrasound. I was lying on the bed, I couldn't see the monitor, but Rob was sitting right in front of it, behind the nurse, and he could see everything. They started with the jelly-on-the-belly type ultrasound, but when they couldn't see anything through that, they decided to try a vaginal ultrasound. Rob just kept staring at the monitor. I asked if anyone could see anything. The nurse told me she could, but she wouldn't say what, which really pissed me off! She could tell me she saw something, but she wouldn't tell what?! AARRRGGG!!!

I asked Rob what he saw, and he wouldn't answer, couldn't answer, he just broke down in tears. I knew what that meant...it was an ectopic...I was going to lose my baby no matter how bad I wanted her. Another nurse came into the room and they were whispering quietly, but I heard the ultrasound tech say "Yes, definitely, about 7.5 weeks" and this seemed to confirm it, I just started to bawl! I was mad at the whole world! I remember feeling as if I wanted to punch the tech, it was her fault! Maybe no one would have noticed it was an ectopic if she hadn't worked so hard at finding it, and then somehow, someway, my baby could come home with me! I wanted to hit her so bad because I felt it was her fault! I felt like I was going to explode! They sent me back to my room, and I wouldn't talk to anyone, I just kept crying. I knew that if I talked, someone would hear it... and I didn't want to bitch out the people who had cared enough to come see me when I needed them most. Some nurse came in shortly after and told me they wanted to get me in to an emergency surgery, but the only surgeon available had just come out of hours of heart surgery and it would be best to wait until morning for him to do mine. She offered me medications if I had any pain, and I asked for some Tylenol.

She offered me something with codeine in it, but it's like "Hello?! I'm pregnant!" She acted as if my pregnancy was not real since I was going to lose the baby in the morning anyway. She acted as if I could go out and get totally drunk that night and it wouldn't matter because I was going to say goodbye to my baby in the morning anyhow! I could have killed her right there! I took the Tylenol, and kicked everyone out of the room. I started to talk to my baby, tell her how much I loved her already, and I told her that I would do anything if it would save her, but that I couldn't help anything, and I told her I would see her again someday. I woke in the morning to nurse telling me it was time for my surgery. My mother and my fiance were there with me in the prep room. I understood that I may not make it through if my tube ruptured before they could get to me. I understood that I needed to say goodbye and not know if I would ever see the two most special people in my life ever again. I gave them each a kiss and told them why I loved them. A nurse came and wheeled me into the operating room. I met the man that would take my baby but save me. I didn't know whether to hate him, or like him. He explained "the procedure" to me, they gave me the first dose of sleeping medication, and asked my address.

I told him and then firmly told him I was not going to go under just yet. He asked why, and I asked him to promise me I would make it out okay. He said he couldn't promise but he would try really hard. That wasn't good enough! I told him again to PROMISE me. He told the medication guy to give me another dose. I let him do it, but told the surgeon "If you don't promise me, and I die through this surgery, I will come back to haunt this hospital, you, and your family!" What could I say? I mean, I had just done the hardest thing ever (saying goodbye to my mother and fiance, not knowing if I would see them again), why couldn't this man promise me he would take care of me? I thought he was a doctor for god sakes! So, he promised and I fell fast asleep. I awoke to a cold quiet room and looked around.

There was a girl about my age in the bed next to mine, and she was looking so peaceful, and I immediately thought "That bastard! I'm dead!" I guess I fell back to sleep again because the next thing I remember is looking over at the girl and she was looking at me. She looked so relieved to me move, I guess she thought we were in the morgue too! After that, I awoke to Rob sitting at the side of my bed. He asked how I was and I told him I was thirsty. At this point I had not eaten or drank anything in more then 48 hours! I went back to sleep and when I awoke, they told me I could get dressed and go home. I felt really funny from the morphine they had given me, and they even gave me a prescription for Tylenol 3 which we filled on the way home.

When I got home, I went straight to bed, and that is where I stayed for the next two days. I had learned that my baby had died before the surgery, and after they aborted her, they had started to stitch me up when my right tube ruptured and they had to go back in and rip it out. Since I had a feeling this baby was a girl, we decided to name her Alaya. For almost two months after that, I did tons of research on ectopics, and put up Alaya's site. I will never forget what happened to us, and the pain we went through. I lost my first child on July 4, 1998.

On August 21, 1998, I got a job at the ISP my fiance worked for. On October 18, 1998, I went to Rob's office, and discovered he was on a very important phone call. I asked him to put the customer on hold and he told me no, it was too important. I took a piece of paper and pen and wrote "I think I am pregnant again." He put the person on hold and asked me why I thought that. I didn't know why I felt that way, my period wasn't even due, I just had a feeling. He told me to go back to work and once he was done this call, he would call me for lunch. About a half hour later, we went on lunch. We were eating and I was trying to tell him why I felt I was pregnant but I just didn't know why I felt that way, I just did. I asked him for $20 so I could get a test. We went over to the drug store, and I bought a two pack of Confirm.

We went home that night, and I went straight to the bathroom. I did the test, and it came out positive right away. I called Rob in and he suggested we wait out the three minutes (like it was going to change, right?). We waited it out, still positive, he told me to do the second test in the morning which I did, and it was again positive. We were afraid it was another ectopic in my left tube, so I had an ultrasound scheduled for the next weekend. We went down to my family's house because it was Thanksgiving, and I told my family. Everyone was very happy, but I was nervous about telling them just in case. The next day I went for my ultrasound.

The first thing they told me was that I was 7.5 weeks along...Oh no, that's how far I was when I lost Alaya! Then they let me see the monitor, and there was my beautiful baby, with tiny little buds for arms and legs. She was so gorgeous! She was the most beautiful little thing I had ever seen! I asked for a picture of her and they gave me one. Everyone was so happy when they saw that she wasn't ectopic. My pregnancy went okay, and on February 1, 1999, I found out my baby was a girl!

At 31 weeks, I was having terrible cramps. I went to the hospital and they were so afraid I would go into premature labor that they gave me a steroid shot to help the baby's lungs develop faster in case she was born early. But she decided to stick around until I was 38.5 weeks. On May 28, 1999 at 5:05 A.M., my water broke. I called the hospital and they said to come in. My contractions didn't start until about 6:30 A.M. but when they started, they were one right on top of the other! I decided I didn't want any medication, and my daughter, Autumn Star Russell, was born at 11:44 A.M. on May 28, 1999 weighing in at 7 lbs. 7 oz.! I now have one beautiful baby girl, and one brave angel in heaven who I believe gave up her life so Autumn could be born...