Libby's Story
In November 2000, my husband and I were trying to start a family. Around mid-November, I got my period as usual, although the first "light" day turned into three light days-very unusual for me! I did a HPT on the fourth day, and to my surprise, it was faintly positive. After a blood test at my doctors (it was revealed that my HCG beta level was a tiny 4), I was told that it was in the very early days, anything could happen and to come back in two days for another test. Over the next week, my levels went from 4..to 160...to 40! I was told that I had a failing pregnancy. My doctor was concerned, as I had not stopped spotting the entire time. So, at 5 weeks he sent me for an ultrasound. The ultrasound revealed no uterine pregnancy. I was just numb for days during all of this.
There was a "mass" near my right ovary thought possibly to be an ectopic. As my beta levels were dropping, my ob/gyn monitored them and thought that the supposed ectopic was correcting itself. I even started bleeding and cramping heavily. Everyone (including DH and myself ) thought that the end of this devastating experience was near. Within a ten day period my levels slowly dropped. I was relieved that I did not have to endure surgery, but I was so flat, depressed, and emotional. I'll never
forget bumping my breast accidentally and being so angry that they were still sore! How unfair to still have pregnancy symptoms!On December 5th, I started to feel really strange-cramping, but sort of sharper! I left work quickly that day and drove home screaming in pain. I called my DH and doctor in a mad panic. I just knew something was wrong. At 7 weeks, I finally ended up in hospital with a ruptured right tube and had my little fighter of a baby removed. During the lap my ob/gyn discovered that I had endometriosis! I woke up after the operation with three losses-a pregnancy, a tube and a disease!
After my recovery, I learned a few things-
1. the pain sometimes doesn't "hit" you until the well-wishers have
drifted off, the flowers have died, and you are alone in your grief. It took me
4 weeks to finally realize how devastated I was. It happened when my DH went
away for
2. Don't expect anyone who hasn't endured such a loss to understand. Be patient with heartless comments, flippant remarks, and lack of sympathy. People just don't know how to react, or they just don't understand the pain. I spent a few months being really angry at friends that didn't act they way I wanted them to. It's not their fault really.
3. My loss has made me so much more compassionate for other's grief. I take heart that it has brought out a side in me I had yet to discover. I feel better equipped to help others in time of need, when previously I would have been stumped for words.
I had a laparoscopy at the end of January to remove the endo. We started trying again in February. The whole time I was worried I would ovulate out of the wrong tube and our struggle to have a baby would be made harder. Strangely enough, I ovulated out of my "good" ovary side every month! I have those tell tale ovulation pains every month so I could tell!
I bought "Taking Charge of your Fertility" by Toni Weschsler, a thermometer, some cough syrup and an ovulation predictor kit. I planned my fertile days and got
DH involved in the process (along with the obvious)! Within three months I was pregnant again! I am now at 24 weeks, and still have to pinch myself that it happened so fast.I wake up everyday feeling blessed, and I never thought I would have such a success. My baby is due around the week that I "fell apart" last year....it is so amazing to think that anything can happen in a year! I hope my story helps others who are going through that pain of loss (and with endo) to believe that it can and will happen successfully.
I still plan to light a candle and sit by the little tree we planted (on Dec 5th) and spend some time with our lost baby.