My husband and I will be married 3 years this April. We both want children. I am 32 yrs old and he is 31. He wanted to wait until we were better off financially but I wanted to start right away. I have always been afraid something would prevent me from having children. When I was in my early 20's, I had an abortion. I know it is wrong and I knew at the time it was wrong. I made a very selfish decision. I have feared for years that God would punish me for this by not allowing me children. I know God does not punish us like this, but I still worry. My husband and I decided in September of 2001 we were going to stop trying not to get pregnant and as my husband puts it "let the big guy make to decision for us" I was so happy.
On December 15,2001 I started my period. It was light and 5 days early, but I thought nothing of it. On the 30th, I had spotting. I told my husband at 11 P.M. and said I was going to buy a pregnancy test just to rule it out. Much to my surprise, it was positive. My husband went out and bought another one just to be sure. He was scared but, oh, so happy. I still cry when I remember the look in his eyes. I was numb. I wanted to be happy but I kept worrying that something was wrong. My husband said that everything would be fine, he always has to remind me the glass is half full. I love him so much. We told our families but decided to tell friends after we were sure it was okay.
The following Thursday and Saturday I went for blood tests, I didn't know why, but they told me to. I had an appointment on Monday, January 7. They told me that the HCG levels were going up, but not as much as they would like. I was assured it was probably fine but they would like to do another blood test. I called for the results the following morning and was told they went up again but still not as much as they wished. They scheduled an ultrasound for Thursday, January 10, 2002. I had no idea this was to rule out an ectopic, I just thought this was the norm. My husband and I were almost giddy as we entered the hospital thrilled at the thought of maybe seeing a heartbeat. He was not allowed in and that troubled us both, but hey-we'll do whatever they say. The nurse was very quiet and she worked. She told me after a while that she wanted to go in vaginally. I asked if this was normal and she assured me that this early along it is. After she finished, she told me to dress and she would contact my doctor. I asked if that was normal. She said that she is not a doctor and that she saw something she wanted him to see. As she left, she called in my husband. I knew something was wrong and sobbed in my husbands arms. To this day I don't know if he was being strong for me or if he really felt we had no reason to worry. He comforted me by saying we don't know anything and that it would be fine, this was probably just normal procedure. The nurse returned and said that the doctor would like us to go to his office right away. I knew it was bad but Greg was still hopeful.
It seemed like we waited an hour in that office. When we were called back, the doctor told us it was an ectopic pregnancy and what that meant. He had me admitted to the hospital and gave me methotrexate to dissolve the pregnancy. Of course I thought this was my punishment. It was fair, but not for my husband. Its not his fault I made such a bad choice so long ago, but now he is suffering. They put me in the maternity ward, and that was unbearable. Then they moved me. I won't go into the details of that day. It was not painful physically, but full of emotional anguish I can't explain.
I went back to my job as a 2nd grade teacher the following Monday. It was good to be in a normal routine again. Some of the people at work knew since I missed a couple days, but most did not and I wanted to keep it that way. I found myself feeling guilty if I laughed, but we were going to get through this. I went in to the dreaded hospital on Wednesday to make sure my HCG levels were going down. I called during my lunch on Thursday the 17th to make sure it was okay. I knew it was and I almost didn't call. I was told I would be called back later. I didn't think anything about it. At 1:00, I got a phone call, a secretary from work came to watch my room. I was told that my levels went up and my doctor would like to see me today, also not to eat or drink anything. I of course said "What is wrong?" She let me know that they would probably need to operate. I hung up and started sobbing right there in the office in front of children and everyone. They put me in an office and called my husband. The counselor came in to talk to me and said she understood how I must feel suddenly having to go in for surgery. I couldn't believe how dumb she was. I screamed at her saying I'm not worried about surgery, I'm worried about having a baby.
My husband came but this time he could not hide the scared look in his eyes. The rest of the day is a blur. Someone from the church came in to pray with us, I was put in a room with a gown and given a valium. They wheeled me to surgery and I was out. When I woke up, I was in a lot of pain and was in a post-op room. There was just one nurse there, and I explained I needed something for the pain. She said that the morphine drip would be given to me when I got to the room. That was a good 20 minutes away. She explained that the surgery did not go as planned and the pregnancy was attached to my tube and my uterus. My left tube was now blocked but I did not have to have a hysterectomy. For this I should be thankful. I spent the next two days in the hospital, feeling okay with the constant pain medication pumping through me.
It is now February 7th and I am 1 week away from returning to my normal life of teaching. I worry every day about having a child. Right after the surgery, my main concern was getting better. I feel pretty good now except for a little tenderness, so now I am focusing on my emotional pain. My husband is focusing on the positive, as you can imagine after what I have told you of him, but I am so scared. I know that just like the man looking back at his life as footprints in the sand, God is carrying me now. I really felt compelled to write this story and I hope it helps someone. Good luck and may God bless you.