Kelsey's Story

After marrying on September 26, 1998, my husband and I decided to wait for a while before having children-to enjoy each other and grow together as a married couple.  I was only 23 and he 25, and we had our whole lives ahead of us.  As our love grew stronger for one another, we decided it was time for an addition to our family. So, in January of 2000 we began trying.  For the first six months we "casually tried" without worrying about dates, ovulation or the "prime time."  By the time August rolled around, I started to worry whether or not something was wrong, as month after month, like clock work, I would start my cycle.  I, in turn, went to see my OB/GYN and she explained that it takes a couple, on average, 6 months to a year to conceive.  She explained how to tell when my prime time was and prescribed some prenatal vitamins for me and told me that if I was not pregnant in six months, to come back and see her. She did not seem overly concerned, even though I was.

I wanted a baby so badly...family members, friends and coworkers were all sharing their good news and I did not understand why it was so difficult for me.. I really began to worry something was wrong. After a couple months of trying based on dates alone, I bought a box of ovulation predictors and begin using those as well.  October passed, November and then December and still no signs of pregnancy.  I really became concerned and called to make the follow up appointment with my OB/GYN.

Then, the morning of January 2nd, 2001 I woke up and everything changed. My husband and I were both home from work for the day and I woke him up at 8 am to tell him I was pregnant....something inside me just knew.  He ran to the store and bought a pregnancy test... to our delight there were two lines.  We couldn't believe it, we embraced with tears of joy and excitement.  We had wanted this for so long, our prayers were finally answered.  We immediately called family members to share the news.  I was six weeks pregnant and the most excited I had ever been.  Then on January 8th, 2001 I was at work and felt like I was spotting.  I ran to the restroom to double check and I had been spotting a light brown discharge.  My heart almost stopped. My sister had miscarried during her first pregnancy and now the fear of me losing my baby overwhelmed me.   I called my Doctor's office and the nurse told me to go home immediately and rest, she advised that some women just spot and she was sure that everything would be alright.  She told me to try to stay calm.

I will never forget the fear and anxiety I had driving home from work that day. Would I lose this baby after waiting all this time?  Could that be?  Why would God give me such a precious gift and let me know the joy of pregnancy and feel the loving thoughts of having a baby of my own, just to take it away? I began to pray for support and guidance.  

The next morning I was scheduled for blood work to test my HCG levels.  They advised that my level needed to be at least 2100 to view a pregnancy in the uterus.  A few hours later, I heard the good news, or what I thought was good news.  My HCG level was 3600 and so I was scheduled for an emergency sonogram.  My husband and mother went with me to the doctor's office.  I waited in fear and anticipation, with a very full bladder, for almost an hour.  Then my name was called and it was time.  During the sonogram, as my husband tried to console me, tears streamed down my face and I kept praying, please let our baby be okay, please let our baby be okay.  I was told I was 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant.  Then, she was quiet, alarmingly so.  Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, she told me that she saw a "mass" in-between my ovary and my uterus.  I had read of ectopics in my "what to expect when you are expecting" book, so I asked if she suspected a tubal.  She would not answer and told me I would have to go over to see my OB/GYN.

While in the doctor's office, he advised that there was no baby in my uterus.  It hit me like a freight train, I didn't want to believe it.  He then went on to explain that there was a "mass" (what everyone kept referring to our baby as) in my tube and that based on my HCG levels, there should have been a gestational sac in my uterus.  He tried to say that at this point, it was just a mass and that it did not have a heart beat, but that did not make us feel any better.  For my husband and I, we had already began bonding with our baby--he would kiss my tummy in the morning before leaving for work, we were making plans for our nursery and the arrival of our new addition.  It did not matter to me that it was a "mass".  It was still the beginning of a part of my husband and I, it was our baby.

These thoughts were racing through my head as the doctor advised of the different risks/treatment methods involved in ectopics.  If not caught in time, the tube could sometimes rupture causing total removal of the tube.  He advised of a less evasive treatment known as the methotrexate shot, and he also advised us that surgery was an option.  He explained that when possible, the shot was the best avenue because the "mass" is naturally dissolved and does not cause additional scarring.  He advised whenever surgery is necessary, that always leaves room for additional scar tissue to form--causing further blockage of the tube and increasing risk for future ectopic pregnancies.  As he explained the different risks and treatments involved, he reassured us that they had caught it early enough that surgery would not be necessary.  I couldn't believe the words I was hearing. I thought, maybe he was wrong.  Could he be wrong?  I was in denial. I asked him if he was 100% positive that it was ectopic? Could my dates be off and the mass be a cyst?  The doctor went on to advise that he could not at this point be 100% sure that it was ectopic, but that based my HCG levels and the fact they did not see a gestational sac in my uterus, and did see a "mass" in my tube, that was the diagnosis he was making.  He wanted to give me a shot of methotrexate to dissolve the pregnancy, which would involve little risk to me.  He also told me that for my mental health, he wanted me to feel 100% confident before making any decision.  He thought we had caught it early enough that, if it would make us feel better, we could wait one day or two and do some more blood work to follow up.  He gave me and my husband a few minutes to talk over what we wanted to do.

I told my husband there was no way I could terminate this pregnancy if we were not 100% sure that the baby was not in my uterus. Even though he was sad of the thought of losing our baby, he was terrified at the risk involved to me.  So he said he was willing to wait two more days, and if the sonogram on Friday revealed the same thing, he wanted to go ahead with the shot.  I agreed with him. So, we advised our Doctor that we did not feel comfortable going ahead with the shot at this point. He advised us of the risks involved in a tubal pregnancy and told us of signs to look for which would indicate I needed to go directly to the ER.  He then scheduled me for blood work the following day and a sonogram the day after.

The next morning I woke up with severe pain in my left lower back and was still spotting.  Somehow I knew something was not right, but I still did not want to believe it.  We went in for our blood work and four hours later discovered that my HCG had fallen.  Our doctor advised this was a sure sign of an abnormal pregnancy and he strongly recommended that I take the shot at that point.  So, I immediately went to the hospital and received the methotrexate to dissolve the pregnancy.  

Over the next four to six weeks I experienced severe cramping on my left side, which the doctor advised was normal because the pregnancy was breaking down.  This was emotionally so very difficult for me.  It was a horribly painful and difficult decision to have to end the life that was growing inside of me. I felt like it was somehow my fault. After continuous monitoring of my HCG levels to ensure they were dropping, and numerous follow up sonograms, I was told that the shot was successful.  Family members told me they were relieved that it had worked, that I was going to be okay and that there was no damage done to my tube.  Even though what they were saying was true, I still felt devastated for my loss.  

It is now April 2001--only three months have passed since the loss of our baby.  I still have days where all I seem to do is cry. However, with my faith in God and the support of my family and friends, I am making it through.  I know all of this does not make sense now, but I also know that God has a plan for us.  For having gone through all of this with my husband, it has somehow deepened our relationship and made us stronger.  A friend once told me that when someone miscarries a child, that the same soul will keep trying to make it back through again.  I am not sure if this is true, but I do know that it is a neat way of looking at it and it has helped to comfort the loss I feel.

My doctor has cleared us this month to begin trying again and I am hopeful that my husband and I will be blessed with a child of our own. Of course this does not stop me from having fears and concerns for what the future will hold.  Will I be able to have a normal pregnancy? Will I have to go through another tubal pregnancy?  I think these are normal fears and if I let them, could consume me. However, I have placed my trust in the Lord, for it is in his hands and he knows when the time is right.  All any of us can do is have faith and hope that everything will work out in the end.

God Bless.