Kelley's Story

It's funny. I sit here in tears as I read through the stories on this site. I have spent the last couple of months feeling very alone, although I had amazing support from my boyfriend and my parents. I i am just now realizing that there are other women out there just like me who have suffered the losses, cried the same tears, felt the same alienations; the same anger, bitterness, and feelings of helplessness. I had no idea I was pregnant. I wasn't really planning on being pregnant, although we wanted children very much. I woke up early on Monday May 22, 2000 to use the bathroom. As I started down the hallway I was overcome by abdominal pain so intense it made me nauseous. I made it to the bathroom where I lay on the floor in a cold sweat unable to move to call for help. My father found me shortly thereafter in the same place. I was so weak I couldn't stand. I had no idea what was wrong with me although I knew something was terribly, terribly wrong.

I arrived at the ER shortly after 6 A.M. and they immediately began doing the standard tests. My blood pressure had already begun to fall rapidly, causing renal failure. The doctors still had no idea what was wrong with me. Finally, after 8 A.M., the attending physician came in and asked me if I knew that I was pregnant. I gave a tearful "no", because at that moment I instinctively knew what was wrong. My emotions were so mixed, I was in so much pain and I wasn't thinking clearly. But I knew that inevitably I was going to lose the child I was carrying. They did all the standard things-vaginal ultrasound, more blood tests, etc. Finally they called the OB/GYN and I immediately went into surgery.  The tube had already burst. I wasn't even allowed time to see my parents or my boyfriend, and I was angry.  I didn't realize that my life was in danger. I was angry because I knew my child was dying and there was nothing I could do, and at that moment I think I wished I could just go ahead and die also.

When they got me into the OR and opened me up (they had to cut me from hip to hip just like a c-section), my entire abdomen was full of blood and they couldn't even find the fetus. It was like my baby had never even existed. No one really understood how I felt. They all kept saying, "God was with you".  Yes, he may well have been and I'm thankful that I am alive and have been given another chance. But it still doesn't change the fact that I lost my baby. Which most people I know seemed to forget. They would say "you were pregnant" as if it were a cardinal sin, and I'm thinking these are supposed to be my friends and that's all they saw. They didn't see that I had lost my child and almost my life in the process. I'm having trouble coming to grips and not sure were to turn. My boyfriend and I talk about it a lot and I see the pain in his eyes and I just want to die. Because to some degree I suppose that I feel responsible although I know in my head there was nothing I could have done to change the outcome. But the guilt still plagues me that he nor I will never get to see our Little William grow up (the pregnancy was too brief to know the sex of the baby but I just feel in my heart that it is a boy). I want to talk about it to understand but am always quieted. Its as if everyone just wants to forget. I can't forget and I can't make them understand that I don't want to.

My mother has said this will always be her first grandchild but I'm not sure she even knows what I am going through. I still have trouble going to the doctor because I know I will be surrounded by pregnant women. I want that so much-to be there swollen belly swollen ankles completely miserable but in total ecstasy. We had discussed trying to conceive when the depo shots wear off, but were advised against it. I still am uncertain of the risks that conceiving will incur. But the doctors say that my other tube, uterus, and both ovaries are healthy. They say I should be able to have a totally normal pregnancy, but having only one tube doubles my chances of another ectopic. This terrifies me. I lie awake at night and cry because I have no clue where I'm going now. This baby had given me direction and now I'm lost in this maze of emotions, uncertain of what the next bend will bring. When my boyfriend first brought up the baby it was almost a relief to know he was in the same sort of pain I was-that he was experiencing this loss, because at first we didn't talk about it. It was just too hard. Now we talk about it frequently which helps, but still isn't enough. Because although he feels the pain, he can't really relate to my emotions. But he's been wonderful and very supportive through it all.

I was very happy to find a site so full of information and to find others just like me, to be able to relate my feelings and know that I am normal and not going insane. I'm not sure if I've made much sense at all.  It seems I've talked in circles a lot. I can't even begin to describe the emotions right now.  The feelings of hurt, but of relief in a sense. I did write a poem shortly after my loss that I would love to share.  (see Poems)

I would love and appreciate any responses, advice, whatever. It would be a privilege to speak to those who know my pain. Each and every one of you are in my prayers each night. May God be with you.