Jody's Story
jross@hhgregg.com

My story has a prologue. I refused to marry my current husband because I had known infertility issues that I didn’t want to bring into a marriage (my hormones were not right). We then agreed that we would try to have a child first and get married later. Our contract actually says "In the event of children…" Fortunately for me/us, I conceived after 5 months of fertility treatments. Although we had a few scares along the way, I had a picture perfect pregnancy and a beautiful daughter. My husband and I married 11 months later.

Since my daughter was over a year old I thought it was time to wean her and start the process of fertility treatments to have another child. One test suggested that I was not ovulating. That was June 99. My daughter seemed reluctant to give up all her feedings. In July, I had my first period since having my child. I though soon we can get started on another.

In August my husband and I went on a trip that had been planned for several months. My daughter was staying with relatives while we were away. And like it or not, my daughter was weaned. I had realized that my menstrual cycle was such that I would be likely ovulating (if I were ovulating) on our vacation. My husband and I decided to let things happen as they may. Since I didn’t think I could get pregnant without medical help, I didn’t think a pregnancy was likely. However, I really thought I got pregnant, but three days after our trip, my period started. The only thing unusual about it was that it was 3 days early. Well what did I expect? I am infertile. There wasn’t going to be a surprise baby no matter how sure I was about being pregnant. This was near the end of August.

By September 4^th, I was sick of being sick. I had spent the day at my brother’s second wedding and was tired and feeling pregnant. I had been feeling pregnant all week. I finally told my husband that we needed to leave or I was going to be sick in front of everyone. I also told him to pick up a HPT just so we could prove that I wasn’t pregnant. I had a yearly scheduled for Sept. 10^th where I was going to start the fertility treatments. Since I was sick, I wanted to go in saying I had tested for pregnancy and it was negative so lets look somewhere else for the cause. But…. the test was positive. My hoped for surprise pregnancy was here after all. I called the nurse on the 7^th because it had been a holiday weekend.

I could tell her confusion almost at once. I started my period 14 days ago. She said it was obvious we needed a hCG level to confirm the pregnancy, and maybe tell how far along I might be. It came back positive – and three to four weeks along.

September 13, I suddenly noticed I was spotting. Very light but for some reason I was scared. Keep in mind that I bleed during pregnancy. With my first, I bled, like a period, for three months into the pregnancy, and she was fine. I had already had a "normal" period with this pregnancy, but … I still can’t explain it, I just knew something was wrong. I called the emergency line to my doctor’s office. They had me come in. They took another hCG test, but the nurse tried to tell me that I might be miscarrying. I should go home and rest. September 14^th, the spotting had stopped at 6pm the night before, and in that morning the nurse called with the results of my test. My levels were up. She suggested we be cautiously optimistic.

Since confirming the pregnancy, I had talked to my new child. After the 13^th, I continued to talk. Before I had said things like I can’t wait to see you. You will have a sister when get here, happy things. After, I said things like I will do everything in my power to help you live. I don’t care if this is a difficult pregnancy; I will walk through fire to save you. The ultrasound was scheduled for the 20^th.

September 20, I had a miserable weekend. I was sicker then a dog and then some, but today I would see my baby. 20minutes into the ultrasound, it was clear there was no baby to see. They took another blood test to see where my levels were. Later that night my doctor called. He said he was completely surprised by my ultrasound. Given my numbers, they should have seen something even if it wasn’t the fetus. But nothing. I had obviously miscarried, and my hCG levels should come back somewhere in the 200 count. I asked why I wasn’t bleeding. I had a tiny amount of spotting on the 13^th and nothing since. He suggested I might need a D&C to "clean" me out. The hCG level came back as a count of 3690.

September 21, the nurse called with the results. She said it was likely this was an ectopic pregnancy. That was the first time any one had suggested it. I was devastated and was sure she was wrong. I was in full-blown denial. I still felt pregnant. September 23^rd, another level was drawn. September 24^th, the nurse called with the results 1689. I knew then my baby was dying. I thanked her for the information and scheduled another blood draw for early the following week. 10:30ish, that same day, a pain started on my right side. It quickly grew in intensity. The nurse had told me to watch for certain symptoms. This was one of them so I called back. We discussed things. I was sure it was nothing serious but she really thought I should be seen. By 11:30 my husband was taking me to the doctor’s office for an emergency ultrasound. Emergency is what the nurse called it, but I waited, doubled over in pain, for 20 minutes before I was seen.

After the ultrasound, my husband and I were taken into a treatment room, and we waited on the doctor. I know I was one of the lucky ones. I knew what was coming, what the doctor would tell me. I had even had a few day to do some research on ectopics. But it still felt like the doctor stabbed me in the back when he said that I had an ectopic pregnancy. My doctor gave me two options, surgery or poison (methotrexate). I chose the poison and signed the release. I remember my whole body screaming at the top of its lungs "NO!" But I didn’t listen. I didn’t want to think. I forced my mind to go blank with one though only. "I am doing the right thing."

Five days later I discovered I had made a horrible mistake. I was ten times sicker with the drug. I still had symptoms of pregnancy, and I discovered I didn’t need the poison in the first place. I was one of those rare ectopic pregnancies that resolve themselves. The terrible pain I had experience was not the tube nearing rupture; it was my body ending an unhealthy pregnancy. I also realized that I was embarrassed to call my pregnancy (that was still in me and still having symptoms from) a baby. Then the realization that I had killed my baby hit me. I had promise this little sole that I would do anything to save it, and at the first test of that promise, I didn’t think of it at all, I poisoned it instead.

By October 4^th, I demanded to talk to the doctor. October 7^th, I got that chance. After a long discussion and a lengthy letter I had previously sent him, we found out some things. I should never have methotrexate again; the side effects are too serious for me. I was also one of those rare women that have pregnancy symptoms as long as there are hCG levels in my body. He was sorry for the entire trauma I was going through and that I just had to bare it until it was over. In answer to my demand of when I could get pregnant again. He ardently explained that I would not ovulate until my levels dropped below 10. In all likelihood, it would be over a week after that before I ovulated. My husband and I didn’t practice protected sex (the few times we had it) because there was no need. I was not ovulating and would not be ovulating. October 14^th my count was 30. Based on earlier levels that meant my counts were falling very slowly – around 12% daily drop for two weeks. At that rate I would not be below 10 until October 24^th.

October 18^th, I called the doctor’s office because I had terrible pain in my right side. There was much discussion and the nurse called me back with a diagnosis of ovulation. I was confused because I never have pain during my cycle, not even PMS, and I was not suppose to be ovulating now. But she asked me to monitor the pain and call back if it got worse. At 11pm I called the doctor at home and explain the pain. He still thought it was ovulation but I should come in for an ultrasound at 9am the next morning. If the pain stayed at the same intensity or got worse in the next few hours, I should go to the hospital. The ultrasound showed ovulation had already taken place, my hCG levels taken on the 19^th, were 10.2. My doctor was wrong; I did ovulate before by count got below 10. He was now concern that I might get pregnant again since my husband and I had had unprotected sex on the 17th. I laughed in his face.

So now I faced a second pregnancy, and since my ectopic was not completely healed, there was a significant chance this pregnancy would be ectopic. Before I found out about the ovulation, I had insisted on a tubule x-ray to check my tubes. That was scheduled on October 29^th. So when the ovulation and possible pregnancy were discovered, a pregnancy test was scheduled for the 28^th. That test was inconclusive.

Before the test on the 28^th took place, I was having the first signs of pregnancy again. They had faded to nothing by October 16^th, so when they came back, I was hopeful. The test was inconclusive. The x-ray was cancelled, and another hCG taken on November 4^th. That morning I had taken a home pregnancy test. It was negative. The hCG came back too low to be pregnant. I was devastated. I knew I was in trouble. I sought psychiatric help.

The hell I went through to get that kind of help is another story. Stated simply no one wanted to help me deal with my trauma unless I would take drugs first. After 4 weeks of trying to seek help from several sources, I finally found one place that would help me without drugging me first.

In the mean time, I work each day trying to be the best mother I can to my daughter. My husband says he will support me no matter what. That helps. I know he and my family and friends feel like they have to walk on eggshells when I am around. I know one day I must morn the lost of my baby, but I can’t. I still feel it inside me, but I can’t talk to it. November 8^th, I told my husband, I didn’t know if it was a girl or a boy, how can I mourn when I don’t even know what it was. And my faith has been no help. It tells me I am guilty of killing my child, but it has no tradition to show me how to make amends for that sin. I cry a little every day, but until I find away to say Good-bye, I know I will never truly cry…never truly mourn.

November 27^th, I found out I was pregnant again. As the nurse pointed out on the 29^th, my hCG levels are really high this time. That is a good sign she said. My ultrasound was scheduled for December 6^th; we saw that the pregnancy is in the uterus. The waiting to see has been hard, but strangely that has not changed since the ultrasound. It seems like it will be an eternity of waiting for the whole pregnancy. I find I am glad to have another chance for a child, but I cannot forget what I have lost. I have asked for the ultrasound pictures from the ectopic diagnosis. I want to build a scrapbook to hold my memories of that little life that was taken from us. We are currently tangled in the red tape of medical records. My husband took over calling the medical record’s people. After two days of him dealing with the problem, they suddenly could help us. I have no idea what my husband said or did (he won’t talk about it except to say that they are idiots at medical records), but they say they are working on it. We still don’t have the picture and my husband is not pleased. It seems he wants the scrapbook too.

Post script: These events took place in the fall of 99, when I wrote the above. I became extremely sick with the pregnancy, but as sick as I got, all the tests showed by baby was healthy and developing normally. She was delivered in the July of 2000. I finally got the ultrasound pictures from the ectopic, but I have not been able to make a scrapbook after all. I put the pictures in our safe drawer and now and again I pull them out. I remember with warmth those fleeting moments when I thought I had a second child on the way. I smile and put back the pictures. I have two healthy children now and those are those are a blessing.