There are many emotions involved with a pregnancy loss. Grief is most often felt, and many times anger, helplessness, confusion, and loneliness set in. If you have had invasive surgery, your physical limitations only add to the frustration. Furthermore, with an ectopic pregnancy (especially resulting in a salpingectomy), your worries about your future fertility can be overwhelming.

What was in your body may not have looked like a baby. However, especially if you knew that you were pregnant, you had already imagined what that baby would look like, how they would smell and sound, what joy they would give you. A person's mentality is so important when it comes to loosing a pregnancy. The physical pain is ALWAYS easier to recover from than the mental.

The grieving process is a normal, healthy part of emotional recovery. There no rules to grieving, everyone deals with a pregnancy loss in their own way. Some women seem to experience no adverse emotions following a pregnancy loss. However, lack of emotion can be harmful if denial is involved. Getting through (not over) your grief is essential in your recovery. Dealing with it now reduces your chance of it sneaking up on and consuming you later. If you feel that your lack of emotion is the result of denial, please seek the services of a licensed therapist.

I spent the first two weeks after my surgery lying in a chair, feeling guilty that I couldn’t save my baby.

I can understand how some women would not grieve over the loss of a pregnancy. Maybe their mental state was not to that point of "bonding". These women aren't bad people...just made differently emotionally.

Talk, talk, talk. It may seem that many of your family members and friends just don’t seem to understand what you are going through. Loosing a pregnancy is a life-altering event, and unless someone has experienced it first-hand, they can’t possibly understand what you are feeling. Hopefully, your family members and friends will be there for you after your physical recovery is complete--if to just listen (even if you repeat yourself over and over).

For many years, the loss of a pregnancy was a taboo subject. For many, it still is. People may seem to have forgotten your loss, but they may be just trying to avoid upsetting you. Make your family and close friends understand that you NEED to talk about it and that their avoiding the subject only makes you feel worse. People who truly care about you will be there for you!

I spent the next month researching ectopic pregnancies and pregnancy rates for women who have had a salpingectomy (removal of the tube), feeling angry that this happened to me.

It may also seem that your spouse recovers from the loss sooner than you. While your spouse did love your child, your spouse may be so thankful that you are alive, it is hard to think of anything else. He also may trying to stay "strong" for you. He has seen you crying for weeks now, and may be afraid to show any emotion for fear of upsetting you. If you feel that you are in this alone, talk to him. At the heart of it, you have both been through a traumatic event. His heart may be broken, too. For more information, please visit www.hannah.org

Our pregnancy loss has strengthened our relationship (although it was an awful way to get here).

I spent the second month after my surgery searching for support groups, feeling depressed and lonely.

Seeking out a support group is recommended. As well as my own support group for ectopic pregnancy loss, I am a OurBabyAngels, a list for women who have experienced pregnancy loss. The women on this list have suffered all types of losses (unexplained miscarriage, blighted ovum, molar pregnancy, placental abruption, stillbirth, infant death, and ectopic pregnancy). http://www.onelist.com/subscribe/OurBabyAngels

Posting on a board is also helpful. For an example, go to http://www.pathfinder/Parent.com (no link provided). Click BOARDS AND CHAT (in the pink area), click Fertility Focus, scroll down, and click Ectopic Pregnancy. As with any board, start with the first posts and work your way through. This may take some time, but the information you learn will be invaluable.

Posting on a list or board requires you to become a member of that site. This membership is usually free, and only requires minimal personal information.

There are also a great many books that deal with early pregnancy loss (click for amazon.com).

One book that I DO NOT recommend is Surviving Pregnancy Loss (Rochelle Friedman and Bonnie Gradstein). I purchased this book looking for healing and hope. I found neither. The book only focused on the health issues involved with an ectopic pregnancy, and seemed to skim over the emotional aspects. The book also grouped blighted ovums, molar pregnancies, and ectopic pregnancies together. While all pregnancy losses should be considered worthy of compassion and grieving, an ectopic pregnancy is very different from these types of losses. At one point, the book calls them "masses of tissue"...and this is supposed to be a book on grieving and healing!

If you find that talking with your family, friends, spouse, or a support group doesn’t help, and you are unable to perform the necessary tasks of daily life (eating, sleeping, etc.), don’t be ashamed to ask for a recommendation from your physician for a reputable therapist (for you and possibly your spouse).

You may experience what you perceive to be harsh treatment from others. Be prepared.

The medical personnel who assist through this time in your life should be informative and compassionate.

After my surgery, a woman came into my hospital room. I assumed that she was a grief counselor. She told me her name, and introduced herself as the person in charge of taking pictures of all of the newborns at the hospital. She asked when I would be going home, and I told her (crying) that I had lost my baby. She said, "Then I guess you won’t be needing any pictures." She then left.

At my post-surgery obstetrician appointment, a nurse led my husband and I into an office. She came into the room, and glanced at the first page in my chart. She then asked me if I had felt any movements from my baby. Thankfully, my husband was there to hold me.

I wanted to smack these people. Why hadn’t there been a sign on my hospital room door, or a sticker on my chart indicating that I had lost my baby? I have since contacted both the hospital and my (former) obstetrician’s office to suggest precautionary measures be installed so that these occurrences do not happen again.

During my recovery at home, my body began to change. I woke up each night soaked in sweat. One week after my surgery, I began to lactate. My body thought that there was hungry baby somewhere. It was traumatic. My physicians knew that my baby had been my first child, but no one told me about the physical aftereffects. No one mentioned the emotional roller coaster I would be on. No one referred me to a grief counselor should I need one. My obstetrician’s phone nurse seemed to be irritated when I called to ask about discomfort and bleeding. I felt as though my physicians considered my baby a cancer removed from my body and never to be considered a baby again. I think that their position was based on the preservation of MY health. I am thankful for my health, but once that health has been established, there are so many more emotions to deal with. I have since changed physicians.

Only the physician who was called in as a second opinion before my surgery expressed any sympathy to my loss.  I had never met him before, and he was the most caring!  He is now my current OB.

These were my experiences. There are many physicians, nurses, and staff who are incredibly compassionate and caring. If you find that your physician or his/her staff does not meet your emotional (or physical) needs...find another physician!

Others may unintentionally say things that hurt you or make you angry. Be prepared and deal with these comments in a mature, but firm manner.

"At least you are okay."

You should be thankful for your health. Ectopic Pregnancies are a dangerous and possibly life-threatening occurrence. However, you are dealing with the loss of a pregnancy, and your grief will (most likely) outlast any physical side-effects of the pregnancy. A response might be, "Yes, I am thankful for that, but it is hard to come to terms with the loss of my child."

"(You are young)...You can always have more children."

Many people do not understand the after-effects an ectopic pregnancy may have on your fertility. A response might be, "Sadly, that may not be true. I am scheduled to have a (test) done, and that may determine my future chances of having children." This might encourage them to check back up on you after any testing.

"If you want children, you can borrow mine. You might change your mind."

This is a tough one. The person is most likely trying to make you laugh. They (most likely) are not trying to insult or hurt you. You may feel compelled to say, "I have seen the way your children behave, no thank you!" Instead, possibly say, "We both love children, and I appreciate your humor, but you must understand that this is a difficult time for us, and it is hard to laugh sometimes." They should get the point, and may refrain from making comments like this in the future.

"This is God’s will."

An even tougher one. My first reaction was to say, "Oh yes, I forgot that God wants me to suffer and enjoys taking children from their Mother’s wombs. Thank you for the theology lesson." Thankfully, I refrained. Your own personal religious beliefs may be different, but my response was this, "I don’t believe that God creates tragedy. Tragedy is a product of nature in general. I believe that God (while all-powerful and generous), gave us free will, and although he sometimes doesn’t prevent tragedy from occurring, he will be there for us when it does."

"Maybe you weren’t meant to have children."

This remark is insensitive and inappropriate. I can’t offer a response this, but you might point out that you DID have a child...

"It was only a mass of tissue."

Completely disrespectful. This is not always the case, as evident in Tucker’s ultrasound picture. Yes, from a biological perspective and in some cases, your baby may have been no bigger than a pea. However, had your baby not been ectopic, he or she would have most likely gone on to grow and be born. I like to offer people this example: When a woman becomes pregnant (with a child that she wants), she immediately loves it. She talks to it, and plans it’s future in little increments. Some people don’t understand that just because you don’t "know" something, you don’t love it as much or miss it when it’s gone. I try to have them imagine what their lives would be like if the children in their lives had never been born. If they could look back at all that these children have taught and given them, and then imagine life without them. I never had the chance to experience these things with my baby, I only have the thought of what might be.

*One woman I know was very dispassionate after Tucker's "loss". She is now pregnant, and talks about her unborn child (5 weeks) as if he/she is a person. How funny to see one's attitude change when the child is theirs. Unfortunately, she has not apologized for her insensitivity towards me. We are no longer friends. Sadly (and maybe thankfully), you will learn who your true friends are during this time.

"Can’t you just get over this?"

Many times, those who make the two above-mentioned comments are prone to make this one. Explain to them that unless they experience what you have (and pray that they don’t), they will never be able to truly empathize with you. Many women have had times in their lives when they have thought that they might be pregnant, and weren’t ready to have children. Point out that this is not the same as being pregnant with a much-wanted pregnancy created with someone whom you love very much.

Unfortunately, comments can get worse than this. click here

Todd and I chose to share this story with a small group of people whom we trust. We did not request that they keep this story a "secret" by any means. However, one such person told our story to an acquaintance without knowing what this person would do with this information. I will this acquaintance, "Casey." Casey repeated this story as follows: "You will not believe what Todd and Krista did! They went to the hospital and picked up that fetus to have it cremated!" She has a right to her opinion, but I found these comments to be rude and disrespectful. Usually, if someone makes a negative comment about me, I let it go. However, her comments were about my child, and the loving way my husband and I handled a very difficult situation. I kept my anger under control, and sent her a letter regarding her comments.

Many times, people make comments before they think. Being prepared to deal with these comments may help you to preserve a relationship with these persons. Being prepared may also help you to determine what relationships are worth preserving.

You may wonder what to do with any clothing, toys, or other items that were purchased for your baby. My advice is to keep them. If you feel that you can’t look at them now, have someone pack them away for you. You may want these items later!

After the loss of your baby, you may begin to see pregnant women everywhere...you may even have a friend, family member, or co-worker who is expecting. It may be difficult for you to be happy for them. Feeling sad or even angry at the sight of a pregnant woman is normal. It is hard to understand why some people have relatively easy pregnancies, while others do not. It is normal to not want to attend baby showers, baptisms, or children’s birthday parties. It may seem that even pregnant women make insensitive comments to you. Remember, unless someone has experienced what you have, it is incredibly hard for them to know what to say (or not say) to you. Your feelings of sadness and anger towards pregnant women will pass.

My friend Rosie sent the following to me, and I thought that this page was the most appropriate to share it.

When No Words Seem Appropriate

 I won't say, "I know how you feel"-

Because I don't.

I've lost parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends,

But I've never lost a child.

So how can I say I know how you feel?

I won't say, "You'll get over it"-

Because you won't.

Life will have to go on.

The washing, cooking, cleaning, the common routine.

These chores will take your mind off your loved one,

But the hurt will still be there.

I won't say,

"Your other children will be a comfort to you"- because they may not be.

Many mothers I've talked to say that after they have lost a child,

They easily lose their temper with their remaining children.

Some even feel resentful that they're alive and healthy,

When the other child is not.

I won't say, "Never mind, you're young enough to have another baby"-

Because that won't help.

A new baby cannot replace the one that you've lost.

A new baby will fill your hours,

Keep you busy,

Give you sleepless nights.

But it will not replace the one you've lost.

You may hear all these platitudes from your friends and relatives.

They think they are helping.

They don't know what else to say.

You will find out who your true friends are at this time.

Many will avoid you because they can't face you.

Others will talk about the weather, the holidays and the school concert,

But never about how you're coping.

So what will I say?

I will say, "I'm here. I care. Anytime. Anywhere."

I will talk about your loved one.

We'll laugh about the good memories.

I won't mind how long you grieve.

I won't tell you to pull yourself together.

No, I don't know how you feel-but with sharing,

Perhaps I will learn a little of what you are going through.

And perhaps you'll feel comfortable with me and find your burden has eased.

Try me.

Written by a pediatric nurse From A 5th Portion of Chicken Soup for the Soul

Copyright 1998 by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen