Christina L.'s Story 

I delivered my 4th baby on December 26, 1999. I thought she would be my last. In March I began to feel pregnant again but no way, I thought.  I just had a baby! I took a total of eight home pregnancy tests before I realized I was pregnant. Denial, I guess. It was just that the positive line was so faint and usually it was really dark. Well, I was excited anyway. I thought how neat it would be that my daughter Aleia and this baby would share their first Christmas at the same time. I instantly loved the baby. I rubbed my belly every night, talked to him, and thought about names.

Days later, I started to bleed. It was like nothing that happened to me before. It was really brown so I thought I would hurry up and make an appointment which was scheduled for six days later. I told my Mom and she was not sure about the bleeding. I had a really bad dull backache but just thought it was from tiredness and stuff. I never once thought ectopic (that was something that would never happen to me).

On April 16th, 2000, my husband took me out to breakfast. We went to our favorite restaurant which was about 45 minutes away from our home. Luckily, my two oldest daughters Malia (5 years old) and Kalena (3 years old) spent the night at my mom's house so we just had Aleia (3 months old) and our son John (1 year) with us. I couldn't bring myself to eat. My back ached and I had really bad cramps in the center of my stomach. I went to the restroom and suddenly I felt really strange. I wanted to go home. So we left and on the way home I felt worse and worse. My husband asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital.  Reluctantly I said "Yes". I hated hospitals.

When I got there, they immediately took me back. They did an internal exam. The doctor said the cervix was closed and I was happy. I thought that was a good sign.  The pregnancy test came back positive too. They said my levels were low and that I probably was not as far along as I thought. They sent me to ultrasound. The technician kept asking me how far along I was and if I had passed clots. She said she saw no baby. I thought I had miscarried. I went back to my room in the ER. A nurse came in and told me to get dressed that I would be leaving shortly. My husband came back in and I told him the lady said there was no baby. He went to call his Mom (whose home we had dropped the two little ones off at) to tell her we would be home shortly.

Suddenly the nurse (another one) came in and said "Why are you dressed?" I looked confused. She then said "Has anyone come to talk to you yet?" I asked about what. She left without saying anything. Then the doctor came in and said they found a lot of fluid in my stomach and thought it was an ectopic pregnancy. My world shattered instantly.

My husband came in and saw them prepping me more surgery and saw me crying hysterically. He had no idea. I couldn't tell him. I had the nurse tell him. He was really quiet. Up to surgery we went. My husband and I were left in a room by ourselves. It was the last time we would have our baby with us. He was quiet and all I could do was cry. The doctor came in and said they would try to save the tube and hopefully it was not an ectopic but a ruptured cyst. I kissed my husband and off I went.

When I woke up the doctor was standing in front of me and told me my baby and my left tube were gone. I cried. Then I was given pain medication and went to sleep. When I woke up I was in my room. My husband said I kept asking where my baby was. The doctor said I had lost so much blood and almost died. He couldn't understand how I was not in more pain.

My incision was just my c-section scar reopened plus the belly button incision from the laporoscopy. I also had a D&C. I dealt with the physical pain.  The emotional pain is 100 times worse. It has been a month and six days and I still cannot make myself except it. I cry every day. I hold the booties the clinic gave me when my pregnancy test came back positive and I cry. Several of my friends are pregnant and I avoid them. I feel bad but when they tell me about how they feel their babies move and the ultrasounds and the baby things they buy I just want to die. No one really understands what I am going through. People say terrible things to me like "You are 23 and you already have four kids you didn't need it anyway."

My husband and I love our kids and take care of them very well. They are our life. This baby meant everything to me. For the first few weeks, I wanted to get pregnant right away. I guess as a replacement. But now I want to give myself time and then make that decision. I need time to except it. I still fear I will never get pregnant again since I lost my tube but I still have hope. Thank you.